Over stress :-(

 

Recently, I was over stressed. Nurul Adibah's health is not so good and as usual I was so worried until I got sick. I can control myself when it comes to other things but when it is about my children health, my worries level increased to an alarming level, to the level that I can't control. It looks like my stress level depends on my children health level. Hmmm it is not good when your body condition rely on a factor that you can't control or may be difficult to control, like health issues. May be I often felt like I've already try my best to take care of them, but still they fall sick. So, it is about frustration too.

 

Anyway, I am glad that they recovered, Alhamdullillah. This is only a bit, small test from Allah S.A.W and it seems like I couldn't handle it.....Hah What if there's bigger, challenging test????

 

 

 

Nothing else matters

I really love this song, especially at the part “Forever trusting who we are and nothing else matter”. I think this is very true. Yeah, if you believed in yourself, fix your stand and hold it tight, then what others said does not matter anymore. Because sometimes, we cared so much for what others have to say, till we abandoned our own rights, feelings and do the things to please others but deep inside we’re suffering. But provided the things that you do is the right things lah….if not you’ll be known as someone called “bodoh sombong”.

 

Anyway, really love the song!!

 

So close, no matter how far

Couldn't be much more from the heart

Forever trusting who we are

and nothing else matters

 

Never opened myself this way

Life is ours, we live it our way

All these words I don't just say

and nothing else matters

 

Trust I seek and I find in you

Every day for us something new

Open mind for a different view

and nothing else matters

 

never cared for what they do

never cared for what they know

but I know

 

So close, no matter how far

Couldn't be much more from the heart

Forever trusting who we are

and nothing else matters

 

never cared for what they do

never cared for what they know

but I know

 

Never opened myself this way

Life is ours, we live it our way

All these words I don't just say

 

Trust I seek and I find in you

Every day for us, something new

Open mind for a different view

and nothing else matters

 

never cared for what they say

never cared for games they play

never cared for what they do

never cared for what they know

and I know

 

So close, no matter how far

Couldn't be much more from the heart

Forever trusting who we are

No, nothing else matters

 

Redha

I almost cried when I was on my way to work last Monday. I felt clueless, bored, hate myself for having to do the same routine every Monday to Friday. Furthermore, I felt like my current job is not a value-added job, not interesting and blah blah blah....(all the grievances).

Life is about making choices, so why am I here, why do I have to come to work? I keep on questioning myself as though I did know the answers. I knew the answers. I, precisely, deeply knew all the answers and I am fully aware...

Remember that Milli Vanilli (do I get the name correct?) song?

Blame it on the rain yeah yeah...whatever you do, don't put the blame on you...just blame it on the rain yeah yeah....

Something wrong with the lyrics but don't bother, the main point is "blame it on the rain". Although I fully understand and aware why I am here, why I have to do the routine job, still I blame it on the rain and not myself instead. Hahaha….as if the rain running my life :-( The “rain” here is my job. I blame it on my job and not me myself. Hmmmm…..sounds familiar? It is often and very easy for you to blame on others instead of yourself, although the main actor here is you. Yes, under certain circumstances “others” are applicable but a lot of time, is only “you”. You have to be responsible for the things that you have chosen. You are responsible on your own life; of course, this is common sense. But I felt, along the way in life, the common sense seems to be drifted, left behind.

And that is what happened to me on last Monday morning. I knew, I have a dream and my lifepartner have the same dream. We have common goals and we are heading towards it. We plan, we put effort and Allah S.A.W will then decide what is best for us. And when we “redha” with what He has decided best for us, nothing else will matter!!

Are we still in love?

This is wrote somewhere in Aug 2004.

Matahari tetap bersinar
Semuanya masih sama
Tapi aku terasa berbeza
Seolah-olah kehilangan sesuatu
Keghairahan itu mungkin
Keghairahan yang mengundang suatu rasa yang unik
Yang menjadikan aku ternanti-nanti waktu
Yang mendorong jantung ku bergetar seribu
Perasaan itu terlalu sukar diluahkan
Telalu indah terlalu istimewa
Dan kini mungkin rasa itu sedikit hambar
Mungkin rasa itu tidak dibaja tidak dipanaskan
Lantaran rasa itu sejuk, dingin dan kaku
Walau rasa itu terlalu relevan dalam hubungan ini
Dan kita seringkali terlupa untuk mengundang rasa itu
Kerana kita terlupa untuk bercinta…..sentiasa!

Looking at the bright side

This short article is wrote in Dec 2005 for Komuniti OKU.

Looking at the bright side!


Last Saturday, I've spent a day at St Nicholas, Penang. A place which are
now specialize for the multiple disabilities children. It was fun! I and my
family, enjoyed every single moments. Many thanks to the teachers,
organizers and of course, to those whom funded the program. I wished that
one day I'll be able to organize and fund such program too....hahaha...may
my dream comes true!

Okay, let's look at the bright side...

When I was there, I've seen many children and their families with different
stories. The true story of life, the story of disabilities, of love,
passion. A few of them are only blind and many of them having more than one
disability. Parents with a visual impaired child will surely be grateful
when they looked at those children who are deaf-blind. So, if you are blind
compared to the deaf-blind, do you consider your ability to hear as a
special gift or you are very busy complaining about your blindness until you
forget to appreciate and make full use of what you have?

There are also parents, with only one child, and their only child, is a
multiple disable child. So, to the parents who got many normal kids and only
one disable kid, do you consider your normal child as a precious gift or you
often felt unfortunate because of having one disable kid?

I've met Celvi too! A deaf-blind child, about 8 or 9 years old. Celvi was
adopted by St Nicholas. Before this, she stayed at the welfare home at Bukit
Mertajam if I'm not mistaken. So, Celvi is an orphan, no parents.
Hmmmmm......She's a multiple disable child, she got no parents. I told
myself, what could be worse! So, whether you are normal or a disable, do you
appreciate your parents? Your parents might not be perfect, not the kind of
parents that you wished to have, but still they are your parents and nothing
will change that.

So, let's look at the bright side.

Often in life, things happened not the way we want it to be, not according
to our desire. So, be tough, feed your mind, be mentally and emotionally
prepared. And looked down to the people below you. There are many obstacles
in life, so we need to learn to tackle the obstacle, to choose how to
response to it, the response that will benefit you most!

Lantaran Hati Yang Mati

This is wrote in Apr 2003 for Relexjap Yahoogroup

Lantaran Hati yang Mati

Lantaran hati yang mati
manusia itu sekadar memandang
mempersoal bertanya berdebat
dan duduk diam
Lantaran hati yang mati
manusia itu berperasaan simpati (mungkin) tapi sekadar perasaan tidak diterjemahkan tiada tindakan dan duduk diam
Lantaran hati yang mati
manusai itu tetap merasa
tercabar terhina
tetapi manusia itu tetap bergembira
kerana ini bukan yang pertama kali
manusia itu barangkali sudah lali
hidup mewah seperti biasa
tetapi ketika terasa semula
tiada air mata
dan duduk diam
Lantaran hati yang mati
manusia itu tetap lantang bersuara
berdebat tentang jihad
tetapi tiada jihad
berdebat tentang agama
mengkritik mengutuk
dan lagi dan lagi
sekadar suara kedengaran
suara bukan dari hati
hanya sekadar dari naluri simpati
atau mungkin hipokrit
kerana hati direlakan mati
supaya nikmat dunia tidak terhenti
dan akhirnya manusia itu tetap
duduk diam.......

Nurul Adibah 2 years

This is wrote somewhere in Oct 2006. I've wrote it for Komuniti OKU.

Dear friends,

It has been a while since the last update on Nurul Adibah that I’ve sent to this group. Now, Nurul Adibah is already 2 years old. To me, she is so cute, so lovely, she is just so special in her own way. Of course every mother would felt the same way to their loved ones.

At this age, for a normal toddler, they can already walk and talk. For Nurul Adibah, the best she can do is to use her head and her legs to more forward. When the head reached the wall or block by something, meaning cannot push forward anymore, she will ask for help by crying. She is so expert moving herself in that manner to explore the house. And when the legs reached the door’s curtain, she will smile like saying “Ahah…something is there”, and she will push the curtain with her legs, like playing with the curtain. Her legs are much stronger than her hand because she do a lot of things with her legs (she always refuse to hold anything with her hand, even the feeding bottle). And sometimes, when the head knock to something, like chair, she did not cry but she will rub her head (at the contact point) with her hand and will not move towards that direction anymore. As per the malay saying , cepat serik.

Although she can’t hear, she can’t see, she can still smile. She smiles a lot and makes a lot of unknown noises too J When she’s busy playing on her own, shaking the hand and the legs, and then you come near her, she will stop as if she saw you coming near her and she will remain static for a while until you touch her. I think she can feel the wind and that is how she knew, if there’s anybody moving towards her. Another method that she used to understand her environment is by using her tongue; she always wet the ball J

Last year, GH Penang referred Nurul Adibah to HUKM. The purpose is to see if she can do/qualified for the cochlea implant for the ear. GH Penang intention is very good, they want to improve her hearing. Thus, they sent us to HUKM. But there’s nothing much HUKM can do, as the implant will only serve the purpose if the child having good IQ. The implant will serve no meaning, if the brain can’t help to interpret the sound/noise. We fully understand this. According to the GMC pediatrician, Nurul Adibah may be having Congenital Rubella Syndrom. Therefore, the brain may not be so good and that the cochlea implant may not be able to help her.

Whatever……..this is the best that Allah had decided for Nurul Adibah and for us, me, my husband and for Afiq too, Adibah’s elder brother. Afiq often asked when Adibah’s will be able to walk, why she took too long to grow up compared to others and why she did not look at him whenever he talked to her. But he loved her so much, of course. He often said “Adibah jangan nangis yer, Abang ada sini”. And you knew, Adibah will not be able to hear him.

Having Nurul Adibah is one thing. I think I can handle that already but then when all these questions asked by Afiq… it often broke my heart. Yes, sometimes when he asked too many question, it felt like it is much more difficult to handle him than her. Now Afiq is 5 years old. I’ve decided to tell him about Adibah soon. I’ll find a right time, to tell him….

Huhhh….life is not easy, but for every obstacle there are always solutions. And when you felt down, upset, look at others below you, you’ll surely felt grateful. This is what I always tell myself! May be you guys can do the same thing too. Try, it might work for you too.

Till we meet again.

It's my blog!!

Wahh exciting...this is my blog, finally......

And this is my first posting. Bestnyerrr....before this I used to dream of having my own blog but because I keep on thinking that a not-really-computer-literate-person like me not qualified to have own blog hahaha...how pathetic!

Actually I used to think that it is really difficult to have one, but keep questioning why everbody has one and why I don't have any (the subject is "blog" here).

Anyway, this is exciting and I will surely enjoyed this :-)