To end the clueless phase of life

It has been quite some time since I wrote something here....busy? No. Busy body? Yes :)

I did not write anything because I am in the clueless phase. Again, me, myself, being the typical me...like to have a high expectation on myself. Hence again, I was thinking, am I doing what I am suppose to do in my life? Is this the kind of life that I want? Why this kind of life? Why this ordinary life? When I think I deserve an extravaganza life. Why am I being normal? When I can be special. Why I choose this path and not the other path? Why am I downgrading myself in my own career path? Why and why and endless......of why.......

After a few weeks of thinking, I found myself drowned, demotivated, not happy (inside) and confused. Felt like something is missing....hmmm what is missing? Guess what.....I stop planning :0

I wondered why do I stop planning. You can’t stop planning your life....ones needs to plan, to have vision, mission, objective, targets in life. I stop planning because I don’t know what I want to be..... haiya....after 33 years of life, I still don’t know what I want to be? How pathetic....pity me.

To make things even worst, I took Afiq to bowling class weekly. At Afiq’s bowling class, I felt even sad and jealous and envy towards Afiq’s bowling coach. He looks happy, he looks like he loves his job, he teaches and plays at the same time. He loves kids. He is good at bowling.....what else would he want....I am so jealous.....incredibly jealous!!

That is what I want. To be incredibly good at something that I really love......

So, next I was thinking....hmmm...what are the things that I am good at? I have a good degree, I am a certified quality engineer by the American Society of Quality, I’ve been a boss to a group of engineers and technicians in a multinational company, but what am I good at? At home, I’m a mother, a wife, I have 2 lovely kids....but am I a good mother?? Oppsss.......I knew the answer, and its negative.....

After evaluating and re-evaluating, I found that I am not good at anything. I don’t have a 1 thing that I am really good at. That I can proudly say, hey....this is my territory, give it to me and I gave you excellent results. Nope....don’t have any. At home, my performance is even worst.....

Thus, after thinking and thinking and a few weeks that goes unplanned and messy and sucks....and my brain is not working properly or may be not working at all.....other than keep thinking whether I should do this? Or shouldn’t do this and this and this.....

I asked myself. What do I have? I have a fantastic husband. I have a charming son. I have a beautiful, sin-free daughter. I have a kind-hearted mother in laws. I have a supportive parents and sister. I have a great boss, I have a bunch of crazy-funky-lovely officemates.

What I do not have is a thing that I am good at, a good status in my career or I guessed, I actually do not have a career.

However, comparing to the things that I have.....I should not complaint. I am not eligible to complaint at all. I have so many things but still I am very busy thinking and wishing for the things that I don’t have. Poor me......

So, I pick up all my strength, pick all the skills that I have, picking up the professionalism that I used to practice, picking up courage, love and knowledge.

I have made a resolution.

I am going to be good in anything that I touch....anything.....

As a muslim, as a life partner, as a mother, as a daughter, as an employee, as a friend......I am going to be good because I knew how to be good and I want to be good. All I need is to put effort and to practice all the skills and knowledge that I have towards these goals....and of course, I will plan my life towards these objectives.

Remember, success is not a destination, it’s a journey!! So enjoy the journey.....

AYu

Don't worry....Be Happy :)

After many many years, I met again with a friend, a long lost friend, a good friend, a friend from my childhood. Thanks to FB…..

My friend, is still single and available. From the way she’s saying things, looks like she’s lonely, kind of a bit unhappy with being singles. Since she’s always like having this sad tone, its kind of hard for me to approach her, meaning to spend more time with her. Not that I don’t like being with sad people or to listen to their grievances, but come on…..life goes on…..why lead a sad, unhappy life, when you can be as happy as you wish for….

Yes, what you wish for, for her case, a life partner, may not yet come to her, but that does not mean that she need to lead a life with full of disappointment and sadness until her wish is granted. Everybody would want to lead a normal, happy life with your love ones but sometimes things does not goes the way you want it to be, for it is not us deciding on our fate. And come on…..that is what life is all about, you don’t always get what you want, so deal with it…..you don’t go against the principles, you go align with the principles!! Araso!!

Yet, then she will said, it’s easy for me to say that because it seems like I am more fortunate than her, I have everything and bla bla bla……….Which is also correct, I’m not in her shoes and therefore, I may not understand how she feels.

But still, I’m a human too. I have problems too. Married peoples have problems too. As for my case, I would love to spend more time with my parents, but I can’t, I’ve a family to take care too. I am always worried of who will be taking care of my parents if their sick, because I have a family to take care too. And this is different if you’re singles and some more living with your parents. You can be there for them, and I wish for that….

Singles can spend more time with friends, and I wish for that too, you can attend all the reunion on earth……

Singles don’t have to worry about groceries, don’t have to worry about cooking meals for the family, don’t have to worry about not-having-enough-sleep because taking care your sick kid, don’t have to worry about whether it’s a school holiday or not whenever you want to go for vacation. Don’t have to worry on whether your kids get good grades or not at school….Don’t have to worries about in-laws and how to please them…..in laws can sometimes be very irritating…..but still you have to endure it :)

Hah……married life is just not something easy….although yes, it is a normal process flow but still the challenges can sometimes be abnormal :) Let me briefly describe it…

First, you fall in love, you put all your best effort to attract the attention of your love ones.

Secondly, both are attracted, you got married.

Thirdly, after married, in order to align the values, you were fighting with your partner, at a rating of 10, meaning, fighting every single day.

As a result, after a few years, you were already exhausted because of all the activities at the first three step, thus you slow down and start ignoring each other.

And then you get bored and were confused whether you are married or not???

Due to this, you have to search again of where is it your love and your love ones…..so, you have to come back to step 1 again and do the soul searching….Hmmm…..see….i told you, it is not something easy…..

Okay…okay….I am so far deviating from the main topic and certainly does not want to frighten you on the thing call marriage….so straight to the point, we have to be grateful with what we have today. Be happy today and don’t put your happiness to a condition like, I’ll be happier if I have a husband….I’ll be happier if I drive BMW, I’ll be happier if I’m a millionaire…..but of course, it does not mean that you can’t dream of having BMW and does not mean that you stop planning for your future.

It just simply means that be happy today and be happy to plan your life to way you want it to be. If it doesn’t appear to be like what you’ve aim for, then be brave to face it, because we all knew, we plan, we pray and we put effort to it, and the results, still have to leave it to the Authorized……

Last but not least, don’t forget, to look at the bright side, if you are singles, you can still live life to the fullest, you may spend more time with your parents, you may spend more time with friends, you may continue studying overseas, go whenever you want to go without having to worry about anybody else other than yourself. And who knows, along the way, you may find your life partner……


AYu

The pig-rabbit

Today, after a few days…I’ve finished watching the pig-rabbit… No no no wasn’t talking about either the pig or the rabbit……I’m talking about the Korean drama series…..You’re beautiful  It’s a love story, kind of stereotype of a korean-love stories but still I love it…..wonder why??? I wondered too….

Sometimes it got me thinking why do I like to watch love stories….regardless of whether its English, or Bollywood or Japanese or Korean…..Opppsss sorry Malay love movies were not in the list because I just don’t watch or very seldom watch Malay movie…..any type of Malay movie…..I do watch, don’t get me wrong but it is just very seldom……okay come back to the pig-rabbit, come back to why I like love stories…

Hmmmm……it sometimes occurred to me, feeling that am I lack of love?? Yeah, may be….But I guessed, why many girls, women like love stories because we can only experience or imagine that in dramas, movies and not in reality. Sounds pathetic neh….but it’s true, everybody would want a prince charming, receiving gift without you expecting it, watching the stars with your love ones, having a guy singing you a love song, having treated like a princess, having to hear words of love..often…..who on earth would not want that right?

But that is only in drama and movies….it is far from the reality….ohhh okay…..there are a few prince charming…..but there are also many hundred thousand of not-prince and not-charming. So, since it is only in drama and movies, hence, just enjoy it…..don’t worry….love it and enjoy it but don’t put high hope that you will get one of those prince charming…..because they don’t exist….in the reality, men are just not one of that kind….trust me 

In this drama, there is a girl and there are 3 boys, wanting to be her special boyfriend……this is a reality. No wonder it is so difficult for a woman to get a husband…..because a quarter of the men are married, a quarter of them turned themselves into a woman, another quarter die in accident or drugs and as for the balance, the other quarter, wasting their time chasing the same girl. See…..are you with me??? This is so true…..sad but true....

So, if any men ask you, why you love watching love stories, just ignore them. There is no need for an attempt to explain to them, because they just don’t get it…..to all man….no offense okay….the truth is out there  And the truth is ugly…..


AYu….

Biar itu hanya kata hatiku....

pada suatu hari, sang suami mendapati
air deras keluar dari kelopak mata sang isteri
sang suami lalu bertanya
sang isteri, mengapa menangis……

sang isteri lantas berkata
wahai suamiku, kekasih hatiku
sudah lama aku menangis
sudah hampir kering air mataku
adakah engkau baru tahu?

sang suami keliru…..apa maksudmu?
mengapa tidak kau berkata-kata padaku….

sang isteri tersenyum
duhai suamiku, kekasih hatiku
pernahkah engkau mendengar kata-kataku…

suamiku
benar katamu, aku hanya seorang isteri, seorang wanita
akalku cetek dan aku hanya menurut kata-kata hatiku
aku tak mampu berfikir jauh
dan hatikulah kelemahanku
dan hatiku kini telah sejuk beku
hatiku makin layu kerana tiada lagi kata-kata rindumu
belaian manjamu, kata-kata manis, sayang yang membuai hatiku dulu
hatiku kini kaku……
meski kau tahu suamiku, hatikulah kelemahanku...
namun engkau tidak memanjakan hatiku…
aku rindu
sangat sangat rindu
pada hatiku yang kau belai dulu…..

suami ku
aku tidak mahu terus menunggu

dengan itu suamiku...
lihat....
ini hatiku yang sejuk beku
hari ini....
aku ingin menghempaskan hatiku ini yang dulu kasih padamu
pada batu itu....
lalu berkecailah hatiku itu…..

Justeru itu, suamiku
tiada lagi hatiku padamu
dan aku, wanita yang hanya menurut kata-kata hatiku
ingin buat kali terakhir menurut kata hatiku
aku ingin berlalu
aku ingin pergi jauh darimu....


AYu

Thinking and still thinking......

I always think that I am doing good things, helping others, trying my best to be a good friend and trying my best to please the nice-good-people around me. I have this thinking that you have nothing to lose if you’re doing good things. However, recently I’ve received feedback telling me that, what I called as a good deed is not a good deed and even worst causing that person a feeling of disappointment….hmmm….as per the Malay saying “rambut sama hitam, hati lain-lain”……

So now I knew that what I think of good things that I’ve done for others is not necessarily good and can be misunderstood. I felt kind of frustrated but I have to admit that it is my fault too.

Rule number 1
You only help those who need your help

Rule number 2
Don’t be busybody and try to help

Rule number 3
Learn from mistake

Okay, I have learnt…..

I thought….well, okay. I am fine and in good condition, after all that had happened….but actually I am not. I am just a normal human being, who felt hurt and still felt hurt until today. I knew in order to do good things is not easy. In order to do welfare jobs is not easy. In order to work, to spend your time on the things that you are still not sure of the results, is not easy. In order to believe what you are doing shall benefit others at the end, is not easy.

All these, got me thinking, am I in the correct position? Am I in the place that I belong to? Am I needed? Should I stay or should I leave?

I thought all this while, I knew why I’m here….I knew why I stick around….I knew that I have good plan, for everyone involved….but why do I still feel bad about myself…why do I still feel that my helps, my skills, is not relevant…..am my thinking is too childish?? Or is this a temporary feeling that will go away as time flies???

I have chosen...give me strength to be strong, to believe that I am in the correct path...to believe that the time that I've spent and still spending here is not a waste...the work that I've done and still doing is not a waste....because I can't wake up in the morning with the plan that I shall be spending another 9 hours getting nothing but just wasting my time, my life....I can't deal with this....I just can't...Am I weird???

Life is short and I need more than just money....

AYu

Emotion-less??

In my previous company, my boss, did not really like me....for a certain reasons, i assumed.... Thus, the relationship does not goes far other than a boss and a subordinate. But I'm okay with it and can understand why he reacted the way he is. Nevertheless, still I am glad that he is my boss for quite sometime, because I really learnt a lot from him....

But then one day, in a meeting, he came and said

" Ayu should attend the meeting. She's with high persistence and emotion-less, she can deal with them "....

Since we seldom talked, I was kind of surprised to hear that. I took persistence, as a compliment, but for emotion-less, am I.....emotion-less?? Which category does emotion-less goes to? A compliment? Or a criticism?

I reviewed back myself.....and yeah...I seldom got angry and upset these days....with those you-know-who-peoples, that can be really annoying some times or a lot of times.... May be this attitude is called a emotion-less by my boss - the ability to stay cool when dealing with arrogant-annoying-self denials-peoples...

Hence, I believed it is a good thing that I have reached a certain level of maturity in my individual EQ development. I am able to control my emotion...hmmmm sounds good...trust me, it really does sounds good, because when dealing with these kind of peoples, you just felt like turning them into a frog or vaporised them into the thin air....they are really seriously-annoying and I, am able to stay cool....hah.....I wonder how I did that too...

And here is the secret recipe....

Actually, what really happened is that since I have Adibah, my-lovely-special-sick-sindromic-daughter, I have experienced a tough test, a tough emotion test that has really tested me. I am not sure whether I passed the test or not but the test really changed me. Therefore, dealing with those-annoying-peoples was a much lighter test compared to Adibah. Thus, it was easy for me and with that I felt so grateful for have been chosen for the test, for I knew, the test is actually good for me and have made me a much better person today.

So, whenever you are tested, be brave, for He knew, you can tackle the test and you have the capability to deal with it. The tests will eventually, help you to improve yourself, make you a much better person and of course, you shall be closer to Him, Allah saw. So, be tough, stop complaining and make the best with what you've got. And don't forget to look down. If you think your life is difficult, there are many others out there, whom having a much more difficult life than you. So, be grateful...

Coming back to basic, life is about making choices, so why to choose to be sad, when you can be happy :)


AYu

10th Anniversary!!!!

Today marked the 10th anniversary of my wedding. Hmmmm....10 years...what are the feelings? Happy? Bored? Exhausted? Still in love? You said 10th and then followed by the words aaarghhhhh???

You said 10th and then followed by the remarked...I wondered how I survived these years?? Or 10th and said, those are the lovely, fulfilling years of your life?

As for me, while I’m writing this, I am actually sitting and waiting for my life partner whom I’ve spent the last 10 years with at the Juru R & R area. After 10 years, I’ve noticed that there is one thing that my life partner is good at, keeping me waiting and never changed until today, the 10th anniversary of our wedding.

And the more ironic thing is, even though I am mad of waiting for him, but still, I do wait and when we met, I did not get mad at him but in turn, I felt so grateful that he had safely arrived. Being a long distance couple, waiting has become a part of my life...

After these 10th years, I wondered on how that I have this ability to compromise with him on this since, I am such a punctual person and all these years I’ve grown up with the value of punctuality hence, of course, I don’t like a every-time-not-punctual-person. But what can I say, he is the man that I love, and for him, I shall wait for as long as he wants me to....

That means technically and practically, love is a powerful thing. It is able of turning you upside down, able of changing you to a different type of person, able of making you doing silly things, able of making you, do the things that you’ve never done before...With such powerful ability of love, ones need to be sure that they fall in love with the right, correct, good, non-hazardous, non-toxic type of love. Or else, they have the chance of ruin their life...

As for me, I continued waiting for my husband for the 10th years and shall continue waiting. So, I guessed after 10th years, I am still in love, truly,deeply and madly in love.....


To the man I love,
May this 10th Anniversary, be the new beginning of a matured-increased-faithful-strong-happy love story for us. I love you and will always do....


AYu