Freaking love and freaking me

Recently, I have an heart ache. I am not sure what went wrong. But its really hurt knowing that you are helpless on controlling your own feelings...that you are far from the one you love...I often told myself...over and over....if marriage has a trial period...I will certainly decide not to get married after the trial period ended..hahaha....I never thought that a marriage will took everything from me...love...endless love...commitment...courage. ..trust...high patient...strong mentally and physically...hah...not to make you scared of the thing called marriage...but that's how I felt...

But then I looked back to my loves one...the defensive and protective young man that loves me so much...the acting like a baby but 9 years old girl....that laugh with my presence even though she cant see or hear me....oooo Allah forgive me for having these thoughts in my freaking mine and arrogant heart...they are your precious gift to me but still I am ungrateful....ignorant....how stupid am I....

I am in love and but this love is killing me. I rushed when I was called...I wait even though for long hours...I forgive for everything....I cant wait to meet even though all I see was an unhappy disturbed face....I cried for many2 times for many2 things that hurt me....I am not the main priority....but still my love did not decrease for even an inch....hah... I am so stupid for letting myself allowing everthing...in the name of love....I am the one at fault....for all that had happened...for loving without limit, I certainly have no self respect...

Sad but true...

17 Sept 2013

This song best described my feelings for my loved ones. In going through life, there are times that love satisfied you, love completed you, love keeping you stronger, love that makes everything seems easy and possible. You were there, putting up your best effort, your highest strength, your excellence performance ever....and yet that love hurt you. That one love that you treasured so much...and finally...after all that had happened. ..you decided to set it free...not for your loved ones...but for you...to enable you to continue loving unconditionally...voluntarily...


Selamat ulang tahun - Imran Ajmain

Yang tulus ikhlas
Ingin sekali sekala dirinya dibalas
Walau hanya dengan dakapan di angin lalu

Yang selalu memberi
Ingin sekali sekala jadi penerima
Cukup dengan salam dan manis doa

Aku ingin kau merasakan hebatnya cinta
Dan leburkan saja serpihan calar derita

Selamat ulang tahun sayang
Kini kau bersayap, pergilah terbang
Rentaslah langit cita cita mu
Harap nanti kita 'kan bertemu

Selamat ulang tahun sayang
Janganlah engkau tak terbang pulang
Ku nanti penuh kerinduan
Selamat tinggal, selamat jalan

Aku hanya inginkan engkau setia
Kerana setia yang mencipta bahagiamu

Milik aku....

Aku baru tahu
Beza sebenarnya
Mencinta dan dicinta...

Mencinta milik aku
Dicinta pula belum tentu
Mungkin ada cinta itu
Yang bersatu
Mubgkin ada cinta itu
Sekadar nafsu

Mungkin jua cinta itu
Tidak bertemu
Atau kembali kosong setelah jemu
Layu sebelum sempat bertamu
Hanya ada rindu yang memilu
Menyucuk kalbu
Menghiris bagai sembilu

Hampir setiap waktu
Cinta itu meruntun kalbu
Menyesakkan nafasku
Melemahkan jasadku
Hingga aku kembali mengaku
Ya...
Mencinta milik aku
Dicinta belum tentu
Melainkan cinta pada yang satu...

Walau mungkin berkurang dengan waktu
Walau mungkin menyusut setelah jemu
Atau terus disisih tanpa rindu
Aku akan terus mencinta
Kerana mencinta itu milik aku....

Setia untuk siapa?

Hatiku sakit...terluka ya Allah
Lalu merambu-rambulah air mataku
Mengenangkan luka itu
Menahan kesakitan itu
Perit yang masih terasa
Luka yang mungkin akan terus berbisa....

Ampunkanlah aku ya Allah
Ampunkanlah aku ya Allah
Aku terleka dan terlupa
Melayan hatiku yang semakin tiada rasa
Melayan luka yang kian dalam
Melayan nafsu yang enggan tunduk
dan tiba-tiba tersentak aku
Apalah sangat kesakitan itu
Besar manalah sangat luka itu
Dibandingkan dengan kesakitan
Kesedihan....kedukaan...kepedihan
Saudara-saudaraku di Mesir dan Syria...

Ampunkanlah aku ya Allah
Kecilnya hatiku ini
Lemahnya imanku ini
Dan terlalu kerap aku leka
Terlalu kerap aku alpa
apalah yang ada pada cinta hamba
Apalah yg kugusarkan sangat dalam mengejar cinta seorang hamba
Mengapa aku mengharapkan
Kesetiaan dibalas kesetiaan
Cinta dibalas cinta
Tidak ikhlaskah aku
Setia untuk siapa
Untuk cinta seorang hamba?
Sedangkan cintaMu melimpah ruah....
Sedangkan engkau menjanjikan bahagia pada isteri yang setia
Jadi mengapa aku jadi begitu dungu
Mengharap cinta yang belum tentu milikku....
Menangisi sesuatu yang tidak menentu..

Ya Allah malunya aku
Terserlah jua ketidakikhlasan dan kebodohan ku
Yang menyakiti aku adalah diriku sendiri
Terlalu banyak cintaMu ya Allah
Tetapi aku masih lagi menangisi cinta seorang hamba yang juga begitu lemah sifatnya

Malunya aku ya Allah

Terimalah aku
Aku ingin kembali menagih kasihmu
Agar penuh hatiku
Agar nanti aku kembali kepadaMu
Dengan penuh rasa cinta
Cinta untukMu
Yang begitu sempurna sifatnya....

Why do we choose to let go?

when you told me to let go
I refused
caused I can can't change my heart
like the traffic light change colour

when I want to let go
you told me no
because you said
you need more time
so please be patient

when they told us to let go
we said no
caused the little eyes
the little eyes that we made
that make us look irresponsible

so should us let go?

just because our heart ain't racing
our faces ain't glowing
our hands ain't cuddling

we have been in love once
so why can't we be in love again
why are we busy looking for way out
looking for different directions
when the only thing we should do
is to spend time, hours, together....

love needs promotion
and promotion needs time

we can learn to love again....

I really love the song. It's true...in a relationship referring to marriage, to hold to that commitment and to remain in love with the same person, loving him/her and only him/her alone...will certainly required effort, effort and lots of effort and hard works because love needs promotions...both have to promote love...yes, you may stick and trust the element of loyalty...but these day....there are too many challenges. ...hence, an element will certainly insufficient......why you stay? Because you have a strong reason to do so....and that strong reason is because you are strongly, deeply in love with your partner.....so if you forgot that feeling...please....learn to love again....no reasons....no excuses....and its always not too late...to learn....to love again....



Just give me a reason - Pink feat Nate Reuss


Right from the start
You were a thief
You stole my heart
And I your willing victim
I let you see the parts of me
That weren't all that preety
And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep
Things you never say to me
Tell me that you've had enough
Of our love, our love....

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again
It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
We're not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

I'm sorry I don't understand
Where all this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
Oh, we had everything
Your head is running wild
My dear we still have everything
And it's all in your mind

You've been having real bad dreams
You used to lie so close to me
There's nothing more than empty sheets
Between our love, our love
Oh our love....our love...

Ooooo...so you are not so smart....

Earlier, I mean....a few weeks earlier before the election....I have been actively connected to facebook. When there's free time, my hand will be fast, getting the phone and touching that blue F sign. It is because I felt responsible to share with malaysians on what and who I think should take up the leaderdship role and hence, devoted themselves to drive malaysisns towards better \ best malaysians. Furthermore, the group of parties that I would like to suggest malaysians to vote did not get political coverage on the media mainstream...so, again, I felt that I must do this...I must help them to do promotions and of course, for my own benefit, to get rid of the AES summons, toll free highway and not forgotten the free education....and being a muslims...I would of course wanted a true leader that practice islam hearty, zero corruption and brilliant...iQ and eQ....

That is my intention....

But.....little that I know that being brave in doing what you felt right is wrong to others. I received comments...good one...bad one...useful comments...and many useless comments....I am not trying to be offensive...but hey...I like to do promotions....I believed in what that I promoted...so if you don't like my promtions...please just ignore it...don't read it....and don't envy me if I am proud on where I stand and i knew that deep inside you're doing this because you just can't find where to stand....hahaha...these thoughts makes me happy....because I just don't like people who act like lalang and be lalang...and those in the undecided category...come on peoples...you were given a great gift that is protected by your skull...at the top upper side of your body...so think...why waste it?

But the outcomes from these experiences is great. Can't you see? Peoples are shouting....describing anger in a very bad manner...calling others with bad title...such as binatang...hmmm...and these words are written in FB and all your friends can read it...and you are a smart, respected person....sad....you just downgraded yourself to lower than the maggots and may be even lower...and it is all your doings ...

Thus, based on this little status update on FB, you actually received dozens of informations about your friends. For example...ooo....he called this person binatang...so indirectly he refers that to himself...hah...that's how I interpreted informations at fb. Same goes to calling peoples bodoh....pathetic...they are telling others that they are bodoh too....

See...you can now declare that you are such an informative, resourceful person :) and thanks to fb...but how you will react or use the informations that are provided freely online to you...is up to you....don't misuse the informations...accept it with open heart and mind...you certainly don't want to bring down yourself to the same level as the maggots, isn't....

As for me....being attached to fb for quite sometime had caused me addicted to it...and I don't like being addicted to fb...so I'm trying to go back to the me of a few weeks back before the election...connected to fb once a while only...not once every few ours :)

Leaving on a jet plane

I love the song....do you still remember how you fall in love....everyday waking up with a smile..thinking of your sweetheart....can't wait to meet....waiting for calls...hearing the voice, looking into the eyes...

since its a jet plane...It also reminded me of getting away....leave everthing behind...push that reset button and there you go...leaving.... and start a brand new you...although it does sounds like running away from problems...hahaha....if only running away just like that will be easy....at the end of the day...you'll be exhausted, stop running and you realized that nothing changes....

Anyway...now I don't run and I don't walk either....i am standing by...waiting...idle...and I don't know why ....


Leaving on a jet plane
- Chantal Kreviazuk

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breaking, it's early morn
The taxi's waiting, he's blowing his hon
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've playes around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll bring your wedding ring

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Why am I not slim....yet?

Even though now is not the appropriate time to be talking about this, because of the election...still I just can't wait until 5th May to be talking about this...just couldn't....because I just bought a body analysis scale...hmmm....

Remember I used to write about getting slim, going on diet and leading a healthy life...oh...no....I am not doing it....I am still not slim....of course...was not really putting effort but hoping so much to get the results....this is called insanity...doing the same thing but expecting different results....it is not that I don't remember that I need to go on diet...that I need to be slim for myself and for my beloved life partner...but getting slim is so difficult...I can only reduce my carbohydrate intake for 2 days...on the third day...I'll be eating heavenly again...I love rice so much that it would lead me to depression if I did not eat rice in a day....with this, I concluded that getting slim is mission impossible...

Oh..no...I wanted to be slim....but food is irresistible.....what can I do? Not to mentioned about exercising....I completely did not exercise...so no wonder...my weight did not reduce...although it did not increase but still I am unhappy ....

Happiness = food
Unhappy = diet
Unhappy = not slim
Happiness = slim

Based on this calculations, I just discovered that I love to eat....I love to eat and this love is so strong that thinking of not having it will destroyed me in such a way...huhuhu....these are all excuses....I know...I know....

So what's the point of writing all these? This is call internal conflict....because I love to eat, i refused to go on diet but I want to be slim...huh...life is about making choices...but once we choose, will we able to face the consequences.....

And still...despite of all that...I want to be skinny like this....

E-day

It's election monsoon again...have you made up your mind? If you haven't, then hurry up...there is not much time left. But not to worry, election is not a difficult task to perform, although it is a compulsory responsibility for those who are qualified.

Here are 3 simple step on what you must do

Step 1
You are 21, so you registered. If you have fail to do this. Then, shame on you. You can shut your mouth and be gone. If you have registered but unfortunately your name is not in the list, don't worry. You can't vote but you do not have to shut your mouth. You can still go to step 2.

Step 2
Make up your mind.

Step 2 (b)
If you have make up your mind, good! You now have extra time to do promotion. Don't waste the opportunity to do promotion. It's not like everyday we have election. So, actively pasticipate, be competitive and unleash your hidden talent on influencing peoples and inspiring the nation. Furthermore, voting is not a one man show, its a group activity, the bigger the group, the bigger the joy. Due to this, please do not vote for calon bebas because they don't have group and they don't like grouping activities which defeat the whole purpose of an election. And they actually do not need your vote as they are joining the election for fun...but if still you vote for them....please don't tell me. It is kind of annoying....seriously....

Step 3 (final step)
Be present at the polling station with your IC. You can only draw X once on 1 sheet of polling paper. If you draw X more than one, then, you are rubbish-ing the vote. Be sure not to do this, as you certainly do not want to be shame to the chickens and cows for not being able to perform this simple task.

And since a picture tells a thousand word, please find below, an example of the X mark that you must draw on that E-day.



So people, lets get moving and perform our roles and responsibility.

Happy voting ;)

Jemputan

Hati yang kian kelam
Jiwa yang sengsara
Tubuh yang lemah longlai
Jasad yang hilang punca
Minda yg semakin kosong....kosong

Apabila dipanggil oleh si empunya segala
Datanglah hamba dengan rasa penuh hina dan dina
Tunduk sujud menangisi akan segala
Kesilapan
Kealpaan
Kelemahan
Yang untuk kesekian kalinya berpunca dari diri hamba jua

Duhai yang empunya segala
Terima kasih yang tidak terhingga
Kerana ingat jua pada hamba
Yang semakin jauh dari syurga
Semakin dekat pula dengan neraka
Membawa bahu yang sarat menyandang dosa
MengadapMu
Dengan linangan air mata
Yang mencurah curah
Setelah berbuat terlalu banyak dosa
Setelah terlalu kerap merasa bangga dengan diri yang penuh noda

Duhai Pencipta empunya segala
Andai panjang lagi usia hamba dengan mengukir lebih banyak dosa
Pendekkan lah saja umur hamba
Tiada guna panjang usia
Andai akhir nanti di neraka

Dan untuk kesekian kalinya jua
Duhai Tuhan empunya segala
Hamba rayu syurgaMu
Hamba rayu syurgaMu
Hamba rayu syurgaMu
Kerana hamba ini sangat pasti
tidak akan dapat menahan siksa nerakamu.....

Why not?

When I was little, I often imagined that I live in a big house and have lots of money....and I have a sophisticated office and went to office with a briefcase in my hand...of course wearing that official-expensive office wear....at home, I have a fridge that is full with can drinks, colourful drinks and chocolate....I love dreaming :)

When I grow up, I then realised that the office, the brief case, the fridge and not forgotten the can drinks and chocolates....does not matter...I thought I'll be happy with those things....hah...so simple and sweet....but things are more than that when you grow older....there are so many other things that you want...that you need...that you demanded to be yours....

And thats normal because we're human....we do not have an enough definition...at first I thought we should not be greedy....and be grateful....well....why can't we be greedy and grateful simultaneously...as long as those things that you work so hard for makes you happy.... nothing should stop you from going after it....

And of course, a long the way of pursuing this so called happiness....you may reach to a point...the self-reflect point where you may question yourself again and again...is this what you want? Is this what you've been working for? I believed this is normal too....we may received inputs or experiencing obstacles along the way...and due to this, we may adjusted the way we climb the dream....as long as we're happy and it is not against the principles...go for it :) life is short...thinking to much may lead to a boring life and thinking too little may lead to an over adventurous journey...so think moderately and it will be just nice!

I have dreams and I have hopes and I have wishes....and I am not sure of whether these dreams and these promising hopes and tonne of wishes are the right one for me....are those that makes me happy...I truly don't know...but....I knew that I am willing to give it a try...I am willing to pursuit that dreams....because I am so curious to find out on whether those dreams are really mine or not....if they really are....isn't worthy to be able to acknowledge and confirm that what you are now is what you dreamt of....you are special because you are rare....you pursuit your dreams while others just....go with flow...

When I was little...I played with paper dolls and that makes me happy...will I be not happy if I had barbie or baby alive...may be I'll be super happy with those two...being happy may be enough...but if being super happy is possible too...then why not?

Big family

Last weekend, I've spent my time at a wedding of my husband's cousin. Yesterday, attending a funeral of my husband's grand uncle. After the funeral, we met my mother-in-law cousins at the bank. We were talking and asking and requiring more informations about each other life. I was glad and happy ...just because they knew me and were greetings me while hugging each other warmly. The feelings was great.

Then, I thought to myself.....I never had a big family before I got married to my husband. All I knew was my mom, my father, brother, my sister, an aunt and a grandmother. The aunt was my mother's younger sister and the grandmother was my mother's mom. For many years, after I was born....only these persons were those that I called a family. Yes, of course...there are others....in fact many others...but those who did not even come and visit, those who hate you because you don't have money, those who always pulled their faces and body away from you, those who said nasty words to your mother and make her cry....those are not family....with these definitions, only these few peoples are my family....

And yes, those whom you love often leaves you. My dear grandmother who often took me travelling with her by bus died due to lungs cancer. I still remembered how my mother had to take care of her in the last few months of her life. It was tough and difficult and very much needing you to be very patient. And I knew that my mother was able to do it because of her love to her mother. She was very quiet, never complaint although I can see that she's weeping at the corner of the kitchen sometimes. Looking at her dedication on this, making me, doubt myself on whether I could take care of my mother the way she took care of my grandmother...

Then after my grandmother. ..my mother had to take care of her sister, my aunt whose having ovary cancer. There are of course...tonnes of strong wills and positive minded required to take care of a cancer patient and more than that...the pain of seeing the person that you love in pain...struggling to survive....is indescribable....and you have to live with it and facing it to the end...it is heartbreaking.....the test of loosing the persons that you love is certainly tough....

And my mother had gone through these years of pain....I didn't knew how she did it...but if I felt very much of loosing these 2 peoples that we love, my mother would of couse felt much more worst than me...

And since there is no more of my aunt and my grandmother, so its left, the five of us...and this is the family that I knew....until I got married...it...of course...feels awkward when the numbers of your family increased from 5 to more than 70....may be for other peoples...this is normal but for me....who use to roam within the cirle of only 5 family members...this is weird...great...but certainly weird :)

Last weekend and yesterday....after the wedding and the funeral...I reaffirm myself...that I am a part of these beautifuls peoples that the number is too big to be counted and that they are called family and I am one of them....it feels great....

Thank you Allah for giving me the chance to be in these group of families...subhanaallah....I am so grateful :))

Tercipta untukku

Love the song...

we're in love today...we may not be in love tomorrow...
we're holding hand today...we may not see each other anymore tomorrow...


Tercipta untukku - Ungu feat Rossa

menatap indahnya senyuman di wajahmu
membuatku terdiam dan terpaku
mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

banyak kata yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
kepada dirimu
aku ingin engkau selalu
hadir dan temani aku
di setiap langkah yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tahu
ku selalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu
sepanjang hidupku

sungguh hanyalah dirimu
yang aku cintai
dan sungguh ku kan di sisimu
hingga ku mati

Transform Transformers Transformation

Recently, I thought a lot on transformation. How to transform and why do we need transformation? Transformation means a complete change in someone or something.


I remembered being a leader in a transformation team. It is a small team, about 10 members from different departments in the company. As we all knew, is it not easy to lead people, and hence leading a transformation team is even more challenging because you want them to do it voluntarily because in the organization chart, you are not their boss, so how to get them to listen, not do yet…just listen. And of course, you can’t simply give order, you need to do more than that...you need to capture the heart, you need to inspire...I knew it was not an easy task...


However, when, I was first given the task, I am more excited than afraid to do it. I was so excited to take up the challenge and instantly become very busy, figuring how to perform the task and how to inspire my team to trust in my lead and move towards, transformation. Therefore, my first words to the group was that,


I strongly believe in the idea of this transformation and


I believed that we can make a different and


together we can improve this working environment and


hence, make it a fantastic, fun place that will resulted with us, coming to work with a smile and not a frown


I was not sure on whether these messages are well accepted by my team but seeing on how we committed ourselves to the projects, with all the teamwork, effort and happy faces, I believed we shared the mutual understanding on what we wanted to achieve, we believed that we can do it and we trust each other.


Of course there are parasites in the group. There are peoples, that when they came to the meetings, they shared the negative ions in the air...you can’t avoid this…..what you can do is, don’t let them talk, so that they can’t spread the negativity and simply ignore them. As parasites under the human skin...they will surely get the message.



Along the way of experiencing leadership and being with this group of people, I discovered that transformation is not so difficult and doable...although the results may took years...



Why? I wondered...Then, I came to the conclusion that it work because we believed in it. Thus, when I shared my inspiration, it works with my team members as well.
Hence, the number 1 element that you shall need to transform is, to believe in it. Once you believed in it, you will get the aura and when you inspire others, with the idea of transformation, it can be clearly seen in your way, in your words, in your action. Seeing your passion in what you believed will inspire others.


Therefore, any person, any company, any organization can transform and move towards excellence. All we need to do is to believe that we can do it and as Steven R. Covey used to said, to begin with the end mind. Clearly knew what we want and strongly believe that we can do it, and of course aligning heart, mind and effort in order to be consistent and persistence towards the goal...nothing can stop you from transformation. For transformation leaders, I believed, the most important and first thing to do, is to inspire trust.


Happy transform!! I am still learning and moving towards transformation of myself, to be a better me everyday...and still struggling...along the way, you may get de-motivated, frustrated and was wondering on when will you, be fully transform...don’t worry, enjoy the journey...remember...success is a journey, not a destination!!



Suddenly, I thought of bumble bee...I wish I could transform like that :)