career?

Recently i have been thinking about quitting job. But it is not about whether i should quit or not but it is about what to do after i quit. What is my plan? Alhamdulillah...i have never thought that these days....the days when i am thinking about my life...about my passion without the element of worry-about-money in it....thank you so much to Allah and my husband for these days....

A few months back, i attended a wedding of my old best friend...she is a phd holder now...and another old best friend...a high rank officer that worked at an oil and gas company at klcc...hmmm....at that time...i am a bit shamed with my current career status...what if i quit my job and my status is housewife...how will it feel....i've been there for a short while and not so sure on whether i am able to carry the title again...will i...after having that housewife status, will still be interested to meet my sophisticated...intellectual friends...or i just stay home and away...to be emotionally protected and safe...

but another part of me...wanting to spend my time...my entire time with my kids and my husband....to live together under one roof and stay closer...like what a family should be, to me.... being far and away with my life partner often make me worries of his condition....and making me felt useless as a life partner...eventhough we have a mutual understanding of why we remain this way and leading this kind of life...but still the ideal case for me...a family should stay under one roof together....

and will giving up my career be fine with me...eventhough i felt ashamed with it but i actually have given up my career...this ladies working world is not for me....and now looking at my life partner's career....i felt proud because i have contributed to the born of another muslim businessman....he got what he wants, successfully...what matters most in having a career is that you love what you do....its your passion...then only it will be call...on top of your career ;) or else it will be call...working for money and money alone...

okay...so come back to me... the aging woman with low career status planning to quit and become a housewife but have houseless skills and still clueless of what to do at the house...hmmm that's me....

when i was at mid valley...we went to a bookstore and i found these books...








hmmm i was thinking....i can write these books....hehehe....i can, of course if i can really focus, consistent and persistence..the missing elements in my life...

no wonder nothing happens....

mirror...mirror...in my heart

i look at the mirror
and with a smile i start the day
and wonder where is he
and next i...check the phone
did he call while i were fast asleep
did he leave a message
if there is none
i wonder again....why didn't he
is he okay....

and my heart beat faster
i am smiling
happy....excited...with tears falling down
seeing him is all i need
hearing him is what i want
hold to him and never let go
is all that i dreamt of

i look at the mirror
and say to myself
i love him
so very much
and wishing for all the best in the world
for him
for the love
that i treasure in my little tiny heart...
for all that matters..
the love is in my heart
forever....unconditional...

and they looked and looked again

Yesterday, we went to Rawang. We, the 4A plus mak, abah, Ana and Umar....since it was a one day trip, it was a sort of tiring journey..

My parents don't usually travel with Adibah, hence they often get too excited when Adibah making loud noises or crying. However, with my beloved soul partner, I have no worries..

And Adibah of course will attract people like magnets to see her....so, we often have the situation when people looked at her and looked again with question-mark-like facial expression or sometimes the like-looking-alien facial expression. Either one is fine with us....again we applied the practice-makes-perfect attitude. I guessed it will be the same with me if i don't have a special child. So, it's ok.

Knowing that Adibah is an attraction, we often take time to introduce her to our friends. This introductory package is often conducted by my soul partner. He will decide when we shall took Adibah with us to meet our friends. Usually we shall tell them before hand that we have a special kid and then only we took her with us. This is done just to avoid an overwhelming situation. People will of course asked us why or what happened to her.

So, we shall explain and here goes the script
1) no problem at all during pregnancy
2) after 2 weeks born she start coughing because of the leaking of blood at the heart goes to the lung
3) from there we detected heart failure and other failures and that she is not normal
4) then she had a heart surgery
5) then the other check up that resulted with her having zero vision and zero hearing
6) we tried to go for cochlea implant but not possible as the implant may not work for her due to her nerve issues

These are the stories often told...what i usually don't tell is how we cried when she had to go through heart surgery...how i couldn't stop my tears when she was confirmed blind...heart break when the hearing test resulted with she can't hear even the noise at the highest desibel. Not to mentioned when the doctors put all sort of wires and tubing in and out of her body.....being so scared when she is sick because i don't know why she is sick and what to do....

But alhamdulillah...we were given her plus the strength to survive with her plus the rezki that come with her plus the love that unite us even closer and tigther to each other.

And alhamdulillah....we loved her so much. And even the doctors can't access to her brain, i knew that she is brilliant. She can't see but she knew where and how to move in and out from the bedroom to the living room. She knew we were around near her even though we did not touch her and she will come to us and put her head in our laps. Once i put hankerchief at her neck, she knew it's eating time. And most of all, she is very sincere. If you see her smile that means she is truly happy. Her expression is the truth.

When we were on our way back from Rawang, we stopped for solat at Tapah. At the praying room, there was a grandma resting. I then quickly performed solat and Adibah also quickly went to tempat ambil air sembahyang. It's like she knew that there's water there and making a fuss like asking me to change her diaper. The grandma was worried that Adibah was already ready to play with the water. She then asked about Adibah and as usual i told the same story. Earlier, when telling others about Adibah, i can't stop myself from crying. Tears will automatically falls....but again practice makes perfect...now i can do the story telling without tears or tears will be just in my eyes and in my heart.

Adibah had survived all these years and so does the family. She brings joy to the family. When we travelled with her or doing the intoductory package with our friends, we encountered many type of reactions. Some pity her and us and some congratulate us. Of course i would prefer the latter one....

No matter how others see her, to us,she is our daughter and so deserved to be love and treated like any other daughter. She may not see, so we shall be her eyes. She may not hear but we shall speak to her like she can hear us. Her growth may be delay, so we shall stay young with her.

This is our family and like any other family, we shall love and support each other in joy and in pain ;)

the vow

i vow to help you love life
to always hold you tenderness
and to have patience that love demands
to speak when words are needed
and to share the silence when they're not
to agree to disagree on red velvet cake
and to live long in your heart and always call it home

i officially love you
in all your forms
now and forever
promise to never forget
and this is once in a life time love
and knowing in deepest part of our soul
that no matter what that may tear us apart
we will always find our way back to each other

Di Kejauhan Ini

Sayang,
Di kejauhan ini
kusentuh hatimu dengan rasaku
debarnya debar cinta
denyutnya denyut setia

Kuusap air matamu yang jernih
dengannya kusulam rasa kasih
kutatap matamu yang duka
di situ kutemui makna rela

Sayang,
Di kejauhan ini kusapa salam setiamu kusambut senyum mesramu
onak, duri, dan jeriji besi ini
takkan menghalang bicara
rasa kita berdua

Sayang, sayang, sayang,
semakin terpisah cinta kita
semakin indah
semakin jauh cinta kita
semakin kukuh

Kita boleh hilang segalanya
Namun kita tidak mampu kehilangan cinta!

by Pahrol Mohamed Juoi - Cinta kerana Allah

answers

once a while....on and off....i'm doing the thinking process....thinking of where my life is leading to....to support the thinking, I've been reading and reading and feeling....trying to connect my heart and my brain...trying to figure out answers to all my questions....

often in looking for answers, we used to look far....beyond everything else....but to my great discovery, the answers to all my questions was not far....was very near....was in me....was i not realised that the answers was in me...was very close or i could not see the answers because i wasn't looking for answers at the rightful channel....

or even worst....i knew where to look for but refuse to do so because of my own self denial....i am trying to avoid the answers because the answers were not like what i imagine it would be or not as per predicted using my shallow way of thinking and the very-limited-resources that i have....

the answers were in a manual
all that we need is....
to have strong faith that whatever being written in the manual is the best for us
and to follow the manual...

it sounded simple but may be a bit difficult for a stubborn one like me
but it is doable

having to follow the manual will need high courage, persistance for may be you have to go against the world
and you have to realign your heart and mind
for what the things that majority is doing may not be the right things that should be done

hmmmmm
the guru is right
life is difficult
but we have manual
so cheer up
and ask for strength
for persistance
for love
to do the right thing
to follow the correct thing

may we achieve the goals of our life here and eternal :)

syukur Alhamdulillah

when i look up
i see the stars the moon
i felt envy....hurt
the stars were smiling
are they laughing at me
where is me?

i can't find myself
where is me?
i use to smile with big heart
with joy with the stars and the moon
but now i am down
with heart ache
with pain
with tears

i thought the stars were my friends
but then i discovered....the stars only wants the moon

and so i am torn between those two
i look down with tears in my eyes.
luckily my brain....still with me
and hence i am glad....
after those tears
after those pains
i knew where i stand
i knew where i belong
i knew where i should be
i knew where i want to be

every pain had a reason
and for that reason....i felt so bless
thank you Allah :)