In my previous company, my boss, did not really like me....for a certain reasons, i assumed.... Thus, the relationship does not goes far other than a boss and a subordinate. But I'm okay with it and can understand why he reacted the way he is. Nevertheless, still I am glad that he is my boss for quite sometime, because I really learnt a lot from him....
But then one day, in a meeting, he came and said
" Ayu should attend the meeting. She's with high persistence and emotion-less, she can deal with them "....
Since we seldom talked, I was kind of surprised to hear that. I took persistence, as a compliment, but for emotion-less, am I.....emotion-less?? Which category does emotion-less goes to? A compliment? Or a criticism?
I reviewed back myself.....and yeah...I seldom got angry and upset these days....with those you-know-who-peoples, that can be really annoying some times or a lot of times.... May be this attitude is called a emotion-less by my boss - the ability to stay cool when dealing with arrogant-annoying-self denials-peoples...
Hence, I believed it is a good thing that I have reached a certain level of maturity in my individual EQ development. I am able to control my emotion...hmmmm sounds good...trust me, it really does sounds good, because when dealing with these kind of peoples, you just felt like turning them into a frog or vaporised them into the thin air....they are really seriously-annoying and I, am able to stay cool....hah.....I wonder how I did that too...
And here is the secret recipe....
Actually, what really happened is that since I have Adibah, my-lovely-special-sick-sindromic-daughter, I have experienced a tough test, a tough emotion test that has really tested me. I am not sure whether I passed the test or not but the test really changed me. Therefore, dealing with those-annoying-peoples was a much lighter test compared to Adibah. Thus, it was easy for me and with that I felt so grateful for have been chosen for the test, for I knew, the test is actually good for me and have made me a much better person today.
So, whenever you are tested, be brave, for He knew, you can tackle the test and you have the capability to deal with it. The tests will eventually, help you to improve yourself, make you a much better person and of course, you shall be closer to Him, Allah saw. So, be tough, stop complaining and make the best with what you've got. And don't forget to look down. If you think your life is difficult, there are many others out there, whom having a much more difficult life than you. So, be grateful...
Coming back to basic, life is about making choices, so why to choose to be sad, when you can be happy :)
AYu
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
10th Anniversary!!!!
Today marked the 10th anniversary of my wedding. Hmmmm....10 years...what are the feelings? Happy? Bored? Exhausted? Still in love? You said 10th and then followed by the words aaarghhhhh???
You said 10th and then followed by the remarked...I wondered how I survived these years?? Or 10th and said, those are the lovely, fulfilling years of your life?
As for me, while I’m writing this, I am actually sitting and waiting for my life partner whom I’ve spent the last 10 years with at the Juru R & R area. After 10 years, I’ve noticed that there is one thing that my life partner is good at, keeping me waiting and never changed until today, the 10th anniversary of our wedding.
And the more ironic thing is, even though I am mad of waiting for him, but still, I do wait and when we met, I did not get mad at him but in turn, I felt so grateful that he had safely arrived. Being a long distance couple, waiting has become a part of my life...
After these 10th years, I wondered on how that I have this ability to compromise with him on this since, I am such a punctual person and all these years I’ve grown up with the value of punctuality hence, of course, I don’t like a every-time-not-punctual-person. But what can I say, he is the man that I love, and for him, I shall wait for as long as he wants me to....
That means technically and practically, love is a powerful thing. It is able of turning you upside down, able of changing you to a different type of person, able of making you doing silly things, able of making you, do the things that you’ve never done before...With such powerful ability of love, ones need to be sure that they fall in love with the right, correct, good, non-hazardous, non-toxic type of love. Or else, they have the chance of ruin their life...
As for me, I continued waiting for my husband for the 10th years and shall continue waiting. So, I guessed after 10th years, I am still in love, truly,deeply and madly in love.....
To the man I love,
May this 10th Anniversary, be the new beginning of a matured-increased-faithful-strong-happy love story for us. I love you and will always do....
AYu
Monday, August 23, 2010
Dilema wanita......
Di waktu rehat, 2 orang sahabat sedang berbual-bual, Nina, seorang account executive, masih single, sedang agresif mencari calon suami dan Lisa, seorang manager, telah berkahwin hampir 8 tahun, dan telah mempunyai 3 orang cahaya mata.
Nina : Lisa, aku rasa hidup aku sudah berakhir…….sampai ke tua pun tak kawen la aku…….(dengan wajah sedih seolah-olah merayu simpati sahabatnya itu….)
Lisa : Naper lak nih? Putus cinta lagi?? Ala, kalau putusnya takpe, engko kan seorang yang positif….hah apa lagi cakaplah…next please….
Nina : Ohhh perli aku yer…senanglah engko perli aku, kutuk-kutuk aku….well, you’re just so damn lucky compared to me…..you have everything……..suami yang baik, anak-anak yang comel, kesayangan ibu mertua…..kat ofis, engko boss pulak, lepas tuh yang paling aku takleh terima, ramai yang mengurat engko sedangkan dorang dah tau engko isteri orang…..Aku ni yang single and available nih, orang tak nampak pun….sedih tau…..(jelas Nina panjang lebar, sambil memuncung-muncungkan bibirnya…dan seolah-olah mahu menangis….)
Lisa, tidak berkata apa-apa, sebaliknya hanya mendiamkan diri dan merenung notebook nyer…..
Nina : Lisa, engko dengar tak nih…..eeiiiiii menci betui aku…..pujuk lah aku….takde saper nak pujuk aku…sedih ni tau…..
Lisa menoleh…..matanya berkaca-kata seolah-olah sedang menahan air mata…..dia lalu berkata dengan perlahan….
Lisa : Nina, engko nampak hidup aku macam bahagia sangat kan…semuanya ada, takde apa yang kurang. Betul kan?
Nina hanya mengangguk dan agak kehairanan dengan riak wajahnya temannya yang berubah serta merta…
Lisa : Engko nampak semua yang baik-baik, yang elok-elok, sebab aku tak cerita kat engko yang buruk, yang menyakitkan hati, yang sayu, aku tak pernah cerita kan…..itu sebab engko tak nampak and think that my life is perfect…..well, Nina, aku pun manusia jugak, aku tak perfect….ada masa aku happy, ada masa aku sedih, dan ada masa aku juga ada masalah…..sume orang macam tuh because no one’s perfect…tapi engko tak perasan sume tuh kan….sebab aku pandai cover, aku kan professional, will never mix work and pleasure.....
Lisa menuturkan kata-kata dengan teratur, sambil tersenyum payau…..dan mulalah dia bercerita….
Lisa : Aku kan tinggal sebumbung dengan ibu mertua, engko tau tak, selalu aku terasa macam terpaksa bersaing dengan mak untuk merebut kasih suamiku. Kalau boleh, mak macam nak buat sume untuk suamiku, dari memasak sampailah ke membasuh baju suamiku, makan pakai suamiku sume mak yang nak uruskan…..rasa macam apalah guna aku sebagai isteri. Tapi kadang-kadang aku pikir balik, bagus jugak kan, tak yang buat apa-apa kerja, boleh aku jadi “mem” besar…..bila aku bertegas sikit nak buat apa-apa, suami aku akan tegur, jangan garang sangat dengan mak, kecil hati aku bila ditegur begitu…padahal aku bertegas tak nak mak buat sebab aku tak nak menyusahkan mak, aku nak mak berehat, sudah-sudahlah mak mengurus rumah masa hari aku bekerja, masa hati aku cuti, biarlah aku yang buat…..tapi siapa yang paham kan…..Lepas tuh, dalam menguruskan hal-hal rumah dan anak-anak selalu jugak aku terasa dengan mak dan kecil hati, seolah-olah dia macam check sume keje aku, macam tak percaya dengan aku….tapi yelah, mungkin aku je yang terasa kan, tapi dia tak berniat macam tuh…
Lisa : Tulah Nina, aku hanya manusia biasa, perempuan pulak tuh, selalu terasa kan, emo lebih (Lisa tersenyum tawar….)
Lisa : Dekat suami aku pun aku tak cerita atau ngadu apa-apa, yelah, kalau ngadu pun, menyusahkan hati suami aku jer kan. Dah lah dia selalu outstation, bila balik pulak, takkan aku nak mengadu kan…lagi pulak aku faham, suami aku tu anak sulung, dan ibunya adalah tiket syurganya….aku paham sume tuh…mungkin bila aku ada anak nanti, aku pun nak jugak anak aku melebihkan aku dari isterinya….
Nina tergamam mendengar luahan hati sahabatnya itu, sungguh dia tidak menyangka, Lisa mampu menyimpan segala-galanya dalam hati……Lisa menyambung lagi….
Lisa : Aku faham Nina, aku paham sangat….tapi kadang-kadang aku nak jugak ada orang yang boleh mendengar aku merintih, mengadu, meluahkan perasaan….tak payah amik apa-apa action pun takpe, cukuplah mendengar dan memujuk aku, bila aku tak boleh meluahkan….aku makan hati….semuanya terbuku di hati….yelah, kalau cerita kat orang pulak macam membuka pekong di dada….
Nina : Tapi aku tengok engko okay je ngan mak mertua, macam best fren…..
Lisa : Nina, memang betul. Mak mertua aku memang okay, Cuma sekali sekala je aku terasa….dan bila aku terasa pun aku tak expect mak mertua aku buat apa-apa sebab mungkin kadang-kadang dia pun terasa dengan aku….so sama-sama lah kan…. aku cuma harap ada yang mendengar je dan ada yang memujuk. Aku sayang mak mertua aku, malah aku lebihkan lagi mak mertua aku dari mak sendiri. Kalau hari raya, mak mertua aku belikan 2 pasang kain, mak sendiri pun sepasang je. Jadi bila aku buat semua nih, aku harap hubby aku akan appreciate dan bukannya asyik salahkan aku je bila aku merajuk ngan mak mertua. Bukan aku tak boleh beralah, tapi salah ke kalau dia pujuk sikit aku nih, manja-manjakan aku sikit….mungkin sebab aku harapkan penghargaan kan…..mungkin salah aku…..aku tak sepatutnya mengharapkan balasan, jadi macam tak ikhlas pulak kan…..padan muka aku….
Lisa merenung Nina yang masih terkejut dan tak dapat mengungkap apa-apa….
Lisa : Tu yang engko nak kawen sangat tuh….engko ingat senang ke. Banyak hati nak dijaga, hati sendiri…..siapalah yang tahu. Aku nih nak balik kampung sendiri, tengok mak ayah aku pun susah. Nak tunggu husband aku ajak balik kampong aku, belum lagi la setakat nih….nak pergi bersuka ria sekejap dengan kawan-kawan pun rasa serba salah dan takut nanti mak metua kata apa pulak…macam-macam Nina…. Dah kawen satu hal, nak mempertahankan perkahwinan tu satu hal lagi, lagi susah rasanyer…
Lisa : Dan bila aku dah menempuh sume ni aku semakin faham kenapa ramai isteri yang tergoda dengan lelaki lain…..bila dah lama berumahtangga, suami dan isteri dah semakin sibuk dengan komitmen masing-masing, dan terlupa nak bercinta, terlupa nak menambat hati pasangan sebab dah kawen lama kan, buat apa nak menambat hati lagi, dah dapat…..jadi bila ada yang lain yang pandai memujuk, bijak berkata-kata, merayu cinta, hati yang sepi dan layu sekian lama pasti kan berputik bunga kan….
Nina : Engko cakap macam pakar rumahtangga kan…..tapi kan Lisa, mungkin lelaki ni kita kena ajar sikit kut, engko kena bagi dia cemburu sket, hah apa lagi layan je lah si Haris yang dah lama menaruh hati dengan engko tuh, sampai sekarang pun tak kawen-kawen lagi….
Lisa : Nina, aku masih waras, masih boleh berfikir, mana satu jalan ke syurga mana satu jalan ke neraka….lelaki mungkin mudah jatuh cinta lagi, tapi wanita selalunya setia, tapi tu lah bila dipujuk rayu lelaki lain dan suami pula buat tak tahu….mungkin goyah jugak lah….
Lisa : Eh…tapi naper nama Haris pulak disebut-sebut nih…Dah….. sebelum engko mengarut lebih jauh, yang penting Nina, moral of the story, memang kita selalu nampak, laman orang lain lebih hijau, lebih cantik dari laman sendiri. Tapi sebenarnye, semua orang ada masalah dan ada cabaran masing-masing….apa yang terjadi, apa yang kita dapat itulah yang terbaik untuk kita. Engko tuh, sementara tak kawen lagi nih, luangkan masa yang banyak tuh dengan mak abah engko, jangan asyik buang masa tak tentu hala. Pastu pergilah join NGO , gi buat kerja-kerja amal, barulah takde asyik datang complaint kat aku pasal putus cinta….InsyaAllah kalau ada jodoh tak ke mana……dan kita kena bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada…..macam aku nih, kena bersyukur banyak2, sekurang-kurangnya mak mertua aku jauh berganda-ganda lebih baik dari mak si Sabariah dalam Kasim Selamat tu kan, dan suami aku pun baik sangat cuma mungkin tak berapa pandai mengambil hati….engko pun kena bersyukur, ada kawan yang jelita cam aku tau…( Lisa dengan pantas memukul bahu Nina)
Nina : Aduh sakitlah….Yelah…yelah….aku bersyukur nih….Tapi kan Lisa, lepas dengar cite engko nih rasa macam ngeri lah pulak nak kawen…..
Lisa : Tu yang aku malas tuh….lain yang orang suruh ambil iktibar, lain pulak yang dia dapat…dah jom buat kerja….
Ayu
Nina : Lisa, aku rasa hidup aku sudah berakhir…….sampai ke tua pun tak kawen la aku…….(dengan wajah sedih seolah-olah merayu simpati sahabatnya itu….)
Lisa : Naper lak nih? Putus cinta lagi?? Ala, kalau putusnya takpe, engko kan seorang yang positif….hah apa lagi cakaplah…next please….
Nina : Ohhh perli aku yer…senanglah engko perli aku, kutuk-kutuk aku….well, you’re just so damn lucky compared to me…..you have everything……..suami yang baik, anak-anak yang comel, kesayangan ibu mertua…..kat ofis, engko boss pulak, lepas tuh yang paling aku takleh terima, ramai yang mengurat engko sedangkan dorang dah tau engko isteri orang…..Aku ni yang single and available nih, orang tak nampak pun….sedih tau…..(jelas Nina panjang lebar, sambil memuncung-muncungkan bibirnya…dan seolah-olah mahu menangis….)
Lisa, tidak berkata apa-apa, sebaliknya hanya mendiamkan diri dan merenung notebook nyer…..
Nina : Lisa, engko dengar tak nih…..eeiiiiii menci betui aku…..pujuk lah aku….takde saper nak pujuk aku…sedih ni tau…..
Lisa menoleh…..matanya berkaca-kata seolah-olah sedang menahan air mata…..dia lalu berkata dengan perlahan….
Lisa : Nina, engko nampak hidup aku macam bahagia sangat kan…semuanya ada, takde apa yang kurang. Betul kan?
Nina hanya mengangguk dan agak kehairanan dengan riak wajahnya temannya yang berubah serta merta…
Lisa : Engko nampak semua yang baik-baik, yang elok-elok, sebab aku tak cerita kat engko yang buruk, yang menyakitkan hati, yang sayu, aku tak pernah cerita kan…..itu sebab engko tak nampak and think that my life is perfect…..well, Nina, aku pun manusia jugak, aku tak perfect….ada masa aku happy, ada masa aku sedih, dan ada masa aku juga ada masalah…..sume orang macam tuh because no one’s perfect…tapi engko tak perasan sume tuh kan….sebab aku pandai cover, aku kan professional, will never mix work and pleasure.....
Lisa menuturkan kata-kata dengan teratur, sambil tersenyum payau…..dan mulalah dia bercerita….
Lisa : Aku kan tinggal sebumbung dengan ibu mertua, engko tau tak, selalu aku terasa macam terpaksa bersaing dengan mak untuk merebut kasih suamiku. Kalau boleh, mak macam nak buat sume untuk suamiku, dari memasak sampailah ke membasuh baju suamiku, makan pakai suamiku sume mak yang nak uruskan…..rasa macam apalah guna aku sebagai isteri. Tapi kadang-kadang aku pikir balik, bagus jugak kan, tak yang buat apa-apa kerja, boleh aku jadi “mem” besar…..bila aku bertegas sikit nak buat apa-apa, suami aku akan tegur, jangan garang sangat dengan mak, kecil hati aku bila ditegur begitu…padahal aku bertegas tak nak mak buat sebab aku tak nak menyusahkan mak, aku nak mak berehat, sudah-sudahlah mak mengurus rumah masa hari aku bekerja, masa hati aku cuti, biarlah aku yang buat…..tapi siapa yang paham kan…..Lepas tuh, dalam menguruskan hal-hal rumah dan anak-anak selalu jugak aku terasa dengan mak dan kecil hati, seolah-olah dia macam check sume keje aku, macam tak percaya dengan aku….tapi yelah, mungkin aku je yang terasa kan, tapi dia tak berniat macam tuh…
Lisa : Tulah Nina, aku hanya manusia biasa, perempuan pulak tuh, selalu terasa kan, emo lebih (Lisa tersenyum tawar….)
Lisa : Dekat suami aku pun aku tak cerita atau ngadu apa-apa, yelah, kalau ngadu pun, menyusahkan hati suami aku jer kan. Dah lah dia selalu outstation, bila balik pulak, takkan aku nak mengadu kan…lagi pulak aku faham, suami aku tu anak sulung, dan ibunya adalah tiket syurganya….aku paham sume tuh…mungkin bila aku ada anak nanti, aku pun nak jugak anak aku melebihkan aku dari isterinya….
Nina tergamam mendengar luahan hati sahabatnya itu, sungguh dia tidak menyangka, Lisa mampu menyimpan segala-galanya dalam hati……Lisa menyambung lagi….
Lisa : Aku faham Nina, aku paham sangat….tapi kadang-kadang aku nak jugak ada orang yang boleh mendengar aku merintih, mengadu, meluahkan perasaan….tak payah amik apa-apa action pun takpe, cukuplah mendengar dan memujuk aku, bila aku tak boleh meluahkan….aku makan hati….semuanya terbuku di hati….yelah, kalau cerita kat orang pulak macam membuka pekong di dada….
Nina : Tapi aku tengok engko okay je ngan mak mertua, macam best fren…..
Lisa : Nina, memang betul. Mak mertua aku memang okay, Cuma sekali sekala je aku terasa….dan bila aku terasa pun aku tak expect mak mertua aku buat apa-apa sebab mungkin kadang-kadang dia pun terasa dengan aku….so sama-sama lah kan…. aku cuma harap ada yang mendengar je dan ada yang memujuk. Aku sayang mak mertua aku, malah aku lebihkan lagi mak mertua aku dari mak sendiri. Kalau hari raya, mak mertua aku belikan 2 pasang kain, mak sendiri pun sepasang je. Jadi bila aku buat semua nih, aku harap hubby aku akan appreciate dan bukannya asyik salahkan aku je bila aku merajuk ngan mak mertua. Bukan aku tak boleh beralah, tapi salah ke kalau dia pujuk sikit aku nih, manja-manjakan aku sikit….mungkin sebab aku harapkan penghargaan kan…..mungkin salah aku…..aku tak sepatutnya mengharapkan balasan, jadi macam tak ikhlas pulak kan…..padan muka aku….
Lisa merenung Nina yang masih terkejut dan tak dapat mengungkap apa-apa….
Lisa : Tu yang engko nak kawen sangat tuh….engko ingat senang ke. Banyak hati nak dijaga, hati sendiri…..siapalah yang tahu. Aku nih nak balik kampung sendiri, tengok mak ayah aku pun susah. Nak tunggu husband aku ajak balik kampong aku, belum lagi la setakat nih….nak pergi bersuka ria sekejap dengan kawan-kawan pun rasa serba salah dan takut nanti mak metua kata apa pulak…macam-macam Nina…. Dah kawen satu hal, nak mempertahankan perkahwinan tu satu hal lagi, lagi susah rasanyer…
Lisa : Dan bila aku dah menempuh sume ni aku semakin faham kenapa ramai isteri yang tergoda dengan lelaki lain…..bila dah lama berumahtangga, suami dan isteri dah semakin sibuk dengan komitmen masing-masing, dan terlupa nak bercinta, terlupa nak menambat hati pasangan sebab dah kawen lama kan, buat apa nak menambat hati lagi, dah dapat…..jadi bila ada yang lain yang pandai memujuk, bijak berkata-kata, merayu cinta, hati yang sepi dan layu sekian lama pasti kan berputik bunga kan….
Nina : Engko cakap macam pakar rumahtangga kan…..tapi kan Lisa, mungkin lelaki ni kita kena ajar sikit kut, engko kena bagi dia cemburu sket, hah apa lagi layan je lah si Haris yang dah lama menaruh hati dengan engko tuh, sampai sekarang pun tak kawen-kawen lagi….
Lisa : Nina, aku masih waras, masih boleh berfikir, mana satu jalan ke syurga mana satu jalan ke neraka….lelaki mungkin mudah jatuh cinta lagi, tapi wanita selalunya setia, tapi tu lah bila dipujuk rayu lelaki lain dan suami pula buat tak tahu….mungkin goyah jugak lah….
Lisa : Eh…tapi naper nama Haris pulak disebut-sebut nih…Dah….. sebelum engko mengarut lebih jauh, yang penting Nina, moral of the story, memang kita selalu nampak, laman orang lain lebih hijau, lebih cantik dari laman sendiri. Tapi sebenarnye, semua orang ada masalah dan ada cabaran masing-masing….apa yang terjadi, apa yang kita dapat itulah yang terbaik untuk kita. Engko tuh, sementara tak kawen lagi nih, luangkan masa yang banyak tuh dengan mak abah engko, jangan asyik buang masa tak tentu hala. Pastu pergilah join NGO , gi buat kerja-kerja amal, barulah takde asyik datang complaint kat aku pasal putus cinta….InsyaAllah kalau ada jodoh tak ke mana……dan kita kena bersyukur dengan apa yang kita ada…..macam aku nih, kena bersyukur banyak2, sekurang-kurangnya mak mertua aku jauh berganda-ganda lebih baik dari mak si Sabariah dalam Kasim Selamat tu kan, dan suami aku pun baik sangat cuma mungkin tak berapa pandai mengambil hati….engko pun kena bersyukur, ada kawan yang jelita cam aku tau…( Lisa dengan pantas memukul bahu Nina)
Nina : Aduh sakitlah….Yelah…yelah….aku bersyukur nih….Tapi kan Lisa, lepas dengar cite engko nih rasa macam ngeri lah pulak nak kawen…..
Lisa : Tu yang aku malas tuh….lain yang orang suruh ambil iktibar, lain pulak yang dia dapat…dah jom buat kerja….
Ayu
Friday, August 13, 2010
Memories and me and mom
When I was 10, all I wanted was the Luna pencil colours, 24pcs. I was crying at my mom for the colours when I saw the advertisement in the newspaper. I was crying and making noises, begging my mom to buy that colours. After a day of tears, all I got was a 12pcs colour with no brand, not Luna…. Cap ayam .... I, then, felt so disappointed and hence, continue crying until my father get mad at me.
Till the end, I still, not getting what I want …..At that moment, I don’t really understand on why that simple request is not fulfilled by my parents. It is just a Luna pencil colours, 24pcs. And all my friends in the school are using that Luna colours, not the 24pcs, but the 36pcs. So, I really could not understand….
When I grew bigger, older, a little bit wiser, I started to understand….how difficult our life is, and how tough my mom has to struggle, to give me and my siblings, the best of everything. I started to realize of how easy to request for money but how not easy to earn money. Mom was doing a lot of jobs at the house to earn money, from washing clothes at the neighbors’ house until selling kuih at the nearby stall. There’s a time when it is almost hari raya, and I don’t have baju raya. Once mom got money, just 2 or 3 days before raya, she bought the material and stay up late at night to make me a baju kurung….I was so touched….
And at that time, of course, we don’t have a car. Just a motorcycle that my father uses to go to work everyday. That motorcycle was an old motorcycle. We used that motorcycle to visit Opah too. That is our jalan-jalan, to Opah’s house. There is no such thing as jalan-jalan to supermarket or to watch movie or to McDonalds….….Jalan-jalan means to Opah’s house….Me at the front of the motorcycle and my brother in the middle. And when it’s raining, we are all wet :)
Today, when I saw a family with 2 kids riding a motorcycle, I didn’t blame the parents for putting their child safety at stake because they knew it is dangerous and they would of course buy a car if they can afford it….I can understand that based on my own experience :) but riding the motorcycle is fun especially if you sit in front....banyak angin :)
I grew in a not-so-easy-living-environment, but Alhamdullilah, still growing :) and it feels good knowing that you have grown up and you have learn a lot from life and you have all these memories with you :)
sweet memories (when I often got presents from the schools at the end-of-year- school- concert and when I first ate McDonalds, Hezrin belanja, I was in form 2 may be at that time)
not-so-sweet–memories (when I was walking from the flat to the bus station and then fall down at the back, meaning my face was looking up to the sky, like the turtle turn upside down, because I was running and the bag was so heavy and I was so tiny compared to the school bag :))
sour (when I got beaten by mom with penyapu)
bitter (when I fight with abah….ehmmm that is quite often because I am a trouble maker :))
Thinking of all these, makes me misses mom so much. Even though there are many things that I did not agree with her, she is not like what I want her to be, she is not a really good model, and she love my brother more that me…..but still I love her anyway……
AYu
Till the end, I still, not getting what I want …..At that moment, I don’t really understand on why that simple request is not fulfilled by my parents. It is just a Luna pencil colours, 24pcs. And all my friends in the school are using that Luna colours, not the 24pcs, but the 36pcs. So, I really could not understand….
When I grew bigger, older, a little bit wiser, I started to understand….how difficult our life is, and how tough my mom has to struggle, to give me and my siblings, the best of everything. I started to realize of how easy to request for money but how not easy to earn money. Mom was doing a lot of jobs at the house to earn money, from washing clothes at the neighbors’ house until selling kuih at the nearby stall. There’s a time when it is almost hari raya, and I don’t have baju raya. Once mom got money, just 2 or 3 days before raya, she bought the material and stay up late at night to make me a baju kurung….I was so touched….
And at that time, of course, we don’t have a car. Just a motorcycle that my father uses to go to work everyday. That motorcycle was an old motorcycle. We used that motorcycle to visit Opah too. That is our jalan-jalan, to Opah’s house. There is no such thing as jalan-jalan to supermarket or to watch movie or to McDonalds….….Jalan-jalan means to Opah’s house….Me at the front of the motorcycle and my brother in the middle. And when it’s raining, we are all wet :)
Today, when I saw a family with 2 kids riding a motorcycle, I didn’t blame the parents for putting their child safety at stake because they knew it is dangerous and they would of course buy a car if they can afford it….I can understand that based on my own experience :) but riding the motorcycle is fun especially if you sit in front....banyak angin :)
I grew in a not-so-easy-living-environment, but Alhamdullilah, still growing :) and it feels good knowing that you have grown up and you have learn a lot from life and you have all these memories with you :)
sweet memories (when I often got presents from the schools at the end-of-year- school- concert and when I first ate McDonalds, Hezrin belanja, I was in form 2 may be at that time)
not-so-sweet–memories (when I was walking from the flat to the bus station and then fall down at the back, meaning my face was looking up to the sky, like the turtle turn upside down, because I was running and the bag was so heavy and I was so tiny compared to the school bag :))
sour (when I got beaten by mom with penyapu)
bitter (when I fight with abah….ehmmm that is quite often because I am a trouble maker :))
Thinking of all these, makes me misses mom so much. Even though there are many things that I did not agree with her, she is not like what I want her to be, she is not a really good model, and she love my brother more that me…..but still I love her anyway……
AYu
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Nurul Adibah, hampir 6 tahun....
Bulan September ni, Adibah akan berusia 6 tahun…..hmmm dah semakin besar dah anak daraku yang istimewa nih…..dan itu juga bermakna, sudah 6 tahun aku tidak mengandung. Bila difikirkan, lamanya…….6 tahun…..
Ngeri bila difikirkan…..tapi bukan itu persoalannya….yang sebenarnya adakah aku masih mahu mengandung? Masih mahu melahirkan zuriat untuk suamiku? Memang, aku masih tidak memikirkan soal ini atau lebih tepat lagi masih melarikan diri dari memikirkan tentang hal ini….tapi sampai bila? Adakah aku sudah nekad untuk tidak mengandung lagi? Atau masih tercari-cari, masih menunggu masa yang sesuai untuk mengandung?
Bila aku mengenangkan Adibah, rasanya cukuplah 2 orang anakku…..Adibah sudah hampir 6tahun, sudah seberat 13kg dan masih tidak boleh berjalan. Aku kena mendukung Adibah untuk dimandikan, dan untuk di bawa ke mana-mana. Tapi betul, bersyukur sangat sekurang-kurangnya tidak sukar untuk membawa Adibah ke mana-mana, ada stroller :)
Tetapi apabila memikirkan untuk melahirkan lagi, terus terang aku takut. Aku takut sekiranya aku dikurniakan lagi seorang anak yang sama seperti Adibah atau lebih istimewa lagi. Memang betul, anak seperti Adibah dijanjikan syurga dan itu merupakan saham akhirat yang begitu berharga. Aku yakin akan semua itu....Aku berasa sangat bertuah for being the chosen one…..but still…..
Apa yang paling aku takuti ialah untuk menjadi seorang ibu kepada anak yang sakit, yang perlu menjalani pembedahan, seperti Adibah, yang tubuhnya begitu kecil dan perlu dibedah, dimasukkan ke ICU…..Aku masih lagi dapat melihat tubuh Adibah yang sangat kecil itu, kerana berat yang semakin menyusut, belakang badan Adibah yang dipenuhi wayar yang berselirat dan salah satu wayar tu mengalir darah ke sebuah beg darah tergantung di tepinya……aku masih dapat melihat visual itu….sangat terkesan di hatiku. Adibah kelihatan begitu lemah, kaku, tidak berdaya….Ya Allah, tidak dapat kugambarkan perasaanku tatkala melihat keadaan Adibah ketika itu… perasaan itu sangat menyiksakan…..sangat menakutkan…..dan kerana itulah aku sangat takut untuk melahirkan lagi, aku takut sekiranya aku perlu berdepan dengan situasi ini lagi….sangat takut…..biarpun aku tahu setiap ujian dan dugaan yang menimpa pasti akan disertakan dengan kekuatan untuk menghadapinya….
Aku masih takut untuk mengulangi semuanya....
Memegang tubuh kecil itu yang menangis teresak-esak, ketika wayar yang panjang dimasukkan terus ke perutnya melalui hidung kerana dia tidak dapat menyusu, dan apabila wayar itu dikeluarkan, wayar itu penuh lendir berdarah dan dia menangis lagi…
Melihat tubuh kecil itu sukar bernafas kerana pneumonia dan sukar menyusu kerana jantung yang berlubang…dan apabila dia perlu bernafas dengan bantuan mesin dan wayar itu diletakkan di hidungnya, dia akan menarik-narik wayar itu, of course, tak selesa….
Dan dengan pengalaman ini, aku sangat mengerti perasaan seorang ibu apabila melihat anaknya menanggung kesakitan, seolah-olah bukan sahaja dapat merasai kesakitan itu malah berasa lebih sakit lagi, lebih sedih lagi dan kalau boleh biarlah ibu sahaja yang menanggung segala-galanya…..aku tahu perasaan itu….
Dan sekiranya aku mengandung lagi, siapa yang akan mengangkat Adibah ke sana sini, siapa yang akan memandikan Adibah ketika perutku sarat mengandung, siapa yang akan menjaga Adibah ketika aku masih belum pulih sepenuhnya selepas melahirkan….
Dan semua ini masih bermain-main di kotak fikiranku….dan apabila terdapat persoalan yang tidak dapat dijawab, aku akan segera lari dari memikirkan hal ini dan dengan itu masih memilih untuk tidak mengandung. Tetapi adakah pilihanku ini juga pilihan yang terbaik untuk suamiku dan anak sulungku??
Life is about making choices….but still to decide on what to choose, it is not as easy as ABC....
AYu
Thursday, June 17, 2010
The Climb
I recognized myself as a positive, self-motivated person. In everything that I do, I knew my targets, I knew what I wanted to achieve, I knew which direction to follow, and I am certainly able to visualize the vision. I am able to pick a paradigm, to see through a different angle of view and thus, stay positive. Hold tight to what I believe...
Therefore, with this credibility, it is always wasn’t hard for me to make decision for I knew that life is about making choices. Thus, ones need to be brave to make decision and need to be brave to face the consequences of every decision made. For making that decision is our task, moving through the accomplishment of that decision is our task and the results, leave it to the Authorized...
I have made a big decision that has changed my life and the life of the peoples around me…and with the decision, I have obtained an opportunity. I viewed and accepted the opportunity as a golden opportunity and I am just grateful to have obtained it. I am certain that the opportunity was given to me so that I am able to make full use of the potentials in me for the benefit, for the advantages of the peoples around me, especially for the Malays……Thus, I am so highly motivated to move towards the vision that I had for this new group of peoples that I joined.
At the point of joining this group of peoples, I am so enthusiastic, so energetic, positive....
After a few days, I discovered that I am in such a negative aura environment. It is so negative, that it somehow, neutralized my “positiveness”…… however, being a determine person, supported with the encouragements from my love ones, with the hope from those who relies on me, I stand still, fighting the negative charges, building up my courage and hence, I manage to remove the dark clouds that has avoiding me from clearly see my visions. Therefore, I still manage to climb further……even though I knew the climb was not an easy one, as the mountain is so high and there’s no route, no trail, thus, I have to create the route, the trail….but still I am determine, that the vision can be realized. And so confident that a person can make a different...
After a few months, I found myself exhausted, only at a few meter from the ground, and even worse….my visions blurred….I can’t see the top of the mountain anymore. I don’t know which way to go, I am confuse of the purpose of the climb. I can’t visualize myself being on top of the mountain, and leading the group of people that I care about with me, to the top of the mountain, towards the great accomplishment, the journey of a lifetime. I doubted my credibility, I doubted on my capability, capacity to lead the way, to help the group of people move away from the usual, too comfort, non-beneficial, selfish environment of the ground that they used to be, towards the top of the mountains where the new era begins……am I too confident, that I have forgotten to check on my capability? Forgotten to evaluate on the readiness of my group to transform from a normal non-athletic people to a great climber?
And now, I am down, confuse, almost negative. I doubted whether the vision can be realized…I am finding myself moving around in circles instead of climbing upwards. And I am no longer confident that I am able to unleash all my potentials for the benefit of myself and the peoples around me….What should I do??? I am no longer assured that a person can make a different and that a tiny group of high hope people can give a significant impact to a big organization....
I have a great vision of me and my group achieving great things. And with this vision, I continued the climb, creating the trail, everyday…. But now, if I can no longer see the vision or at least feel it deep in my heart, how am I suppose to reach it, to realize it?
Should I just be like most of them, be normal? Just stay where you are, doing nothing or doing very minimum and at the end of every month, get pay and enjoy. Don’t think of others, don’t think of the nation, be selfish.
I wish I can be like them…..but still I am not sure if I’m happy….I don’t get the idea on how being selfish, just thinking about yourself will make you happy.
Thus, coming back to the basic, life is about making choices…..should I abandoned the great vision that I have for me and for this group and start looking for other opportunity and creating new visions with new environment, new peoples? Or should I stay, move backward 1 step, re-evaluate, redefine the targets, sharpen the saw, renew the method and then continue back the climb and have strong faith that we shall successfully reach the top of the mountain……
Hmmmmm......
Ayu
Therefore, with this credibility, it is always wasn’t hard for me to make decision for I knew that life is about making choices. Thus, ones need to be brave to make decision and need to be brave to face the consequences of every decision made. For making that decision is our task, moving through the accomplishment of that decision is our task and the results, leave it to the Authorized...
I have made a big decision that has changed my life and the life of the peoples around me…and with the decision, I have obtained an opportunity. I viewed and accepted the opportunity as a golden opportunity and I am just grateful to have obtained it. I am certain that the opportunity was given to me so that I am able to make full use of the potentials in me for the benefit, for the advantages of the peoples around me, especially for the Malays……Thus, I am so highly motivated to move towards the vision that I had for this new group of peoples that I joined.
At the point of joining this group of peoples, I am so enthusiastic, so energetic, positive....
After a few days, I discovered that I am in such a negative aura environment. It is so negative, that it somehow, neutralized my “positiveness”…… however, being a determine person, supported with the encouragements from my love ones, with the hope from those who relies on me, I stand still, fighting the negative charges, building up my courage and hence, I manage to remove the dark clouds that has avoiding me from clearly see my visions. Therefore, I still manage to climb further……even though I knew the climb was not an easy one, as the mountain is so high and there’s no route, no trail, thus, I have to create the route, the trail….but still I am determine, that the vision can be realized. And so confident that a person can make a different...
After a few months, I found myself exhausted, only at a few meter from the ground, and even worse….my visions blurred….I can’t see the top of the mountain anymore. I don’t know which way to go, I am confuse of the purpose of the climb. I can’t visualize myself being on top of the mountain, and leading the group of people that I care about with me, to the top of the mountain, towards the great accomplishment, the journey of a lifetime. I doubted my credibility, I doubted on my capability, capacity to lead the way, to help the group of people move away from the usual, too comfort, non-beneficial, selfish environment of the ground that they used to be, towards the top of the mountains where the new era begins……am I too confident, that I have forgotten to check on my capability? Forgotten to evaluate on the readiness of my group to transform from a normal non-athletic people to a great climber?
And now, I am down, confuse, almost negative. I doubted whether the vision can be realized…I am finding myself moving around in circles instead of climbing upwards. And I am no longer confident that I am able to unleash all my potentials for the benefit of myself and the peoples around me….What should I do??? I am no longer assured that a person can make a different and that a tiny group of high hope people can give a significant impact to a big organization....
I have a great vision of me and my group achieving great things. And with this vision, I continued the climb, creating the trail, everyday…. But now, if I can no longer see the vision or at least feel it deep in my heart, how am I suppose to reach it, to realize it?
Should I just be like most of them, be normal? Just stay where you are, doing nothing or doing very minimum and at the end of every month, get pay and enjoy. Don’t think of others, don’t think of the nation, be selfish.
I wish I can be like them…..but still I am not sure if I’m happy….I don’t get the idea on how being selfish, just thinking about yourself will make you happy.
Thus, coming back to the basic, life is about making choices…..should I abandoned the great vision that I have for me and for this group and start looking for other opportunity and creating new visions with new environment, new peoples? Or should I stay, move backward 1 step, re-evaluate, redefine the targets, sharpen the saw, renew the method and then continue back the climb and have strong faith that we shall successfully reach the top of the mountain……
Hmmmmm......
Ayu
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
S.A.D
Recently, there were many events that make me unhappy, stress, disappointed. I did not cry although I felt hurt, tired, and since I’m such a positive person and always believed that what happened had happened and there’s nothing I can do to change it…..
But until last Friday, I felt like I can’t hold it anymore. I cried and cried for almost half an hour. I blamed myself for all that happened. Although by crying does not help to solve any issue, but it helps because I felt released, satisfied. Then I come back to my senses. And was thinking, why actually I cried? Was it because all that had happened? What had happened were not something that I can’t handle? I’ve been through a lot of much more worst things that this. So, why?
I cried because I felt alone, I felt like there’s nobody that I can share with, to lean to, a shoulder to cry on when I needed it most. I cried because I felt that nobody cares and that I am on my own. There’s nobody saying that it’s okay, move on, don’t worry…….All I needed was a close friend telling me this, to persuade my heart……was I acting childish? Yeah, a bit I guess…..but 1 point lesson is that, when someone you love facing a hard time, or not-so-hard-time, it will be good, comforting, to just be there and listen…..for some times, this is just what we need….
So, I knew why I was crying. It is not wrong to be sad, disappointed. We’re human, so we cry when we sad. We have the right to be angry. But we must know why we’re sad, why we’re angry. We must know the reason of these emotions. And from there we work for the solutions. In order to recover, to continue, to move on, we must come back to the principle.
What had happened can’t be change, even though with tears of blood. What we can change is how we look at it, how we deal with it, how we make the best out of it. How to view the sadness, the disappointments from another perspective, another angle of view? And of course it is not as easy as writing it down, but it is possible, it is something that we can do, if we choose to do it. And as Muslims, we must always come back to the creator………
AYu
But until last Friday, I felt like I can’t hold it anymore. I cried and cried for almost half an hour. I blamed myself for all that happened. Although by crying does not help to solve any issue, but it helps because I felt released, satisfied. Then I come back to my senses. And was thinking, why actually I cried? Was it because all that had happened? What had happened were not something that I can’t handle? I’ve been through a lot of much more worst things that this. So, why?
I cried because I felt alone, I felt like there’s nobody that I can share with, to lean to, a shoulder to cry on when I needed it most. I cried because I felt that nobody cares and that I am on my own. There’s nobody saying that it’s okay, move on, don’t worry…….All I needed was a close friend telling me this, to persuade my heart……was I acting childish? Yeah, a bit I guess…..but 1 point lesson is that, when someone you love facing a hard time, or not-so-hard-time, it will be good, comforting, to just be there and listen…..for some times, this is just what we need….
So, I knew why I was crying. It is not wrong to be sad, disappointed. We’re human, so we cry when we sad. We have the right to be angry. But we must know why we’re sad, why we’re angry. We must know the reason of these emotions. And from there we work for the solutions. In order to recover, to continue, to move on, we must come back to the principle.
What had happened can’t be change, even though with tears of blood. What we can change is how we look at it, how we deal with it, how we make the best out of it. How to view the sadness, the disappointments from another perspective, another angle of view? And of course it is not as easy as writing it down, but it is possible, it is something that we can do, if we choose to do it. And as Muslims, we must always come back to the creator………
AYu
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