Biar itu hanya kata hatiku....

pada suatu hari, sang suami mendapati
air deras keluar dari kelopak mata sang isteri
sang suami lalu bertanya
sang isteri, mengapa menangis……

sang isteri lantas berkata
wahai suamiku, kekasih hatiku
sudah lama aku menangis
sudah hampir kering air mataku
adakah engkau baru tahu?

sang suami keliru…..apa maksudmu?
mengapa tidak kau berkata-kata padaku….

sang isteri tersenyum
duhai suamiku, kekasih hatiku
pernahkah engkau mendengar kata-kataku…

suamiku
benar katamu, aku hanya seorang isteri, seorang wanita
akalku cetek dan aku hanya menurut kata-kata hatiku
aku tak mampu berfikir jauh
dan hatikulah kelemahanku
dan hatiku kini telah sejuk beku
hatiku makin layu kerana tiada lagi kata-kata rindumu
belaian manjamu, kata-kata manis, sayang yang membuai hatiku dulu
hatiku kini kaku……
meski kau tahu suamiku, hatikulah kelemahanku...
namun engkau tidak memanjakan hatiku…
aku rindu
sangat sangat rindu
pada hatiku yang kau belai dulu…..

suami ku
aku tidak mahu terus menunggu

dengan itu suamiku...
lihat....
ini hatiku yang sejuk beku
hari ini....
aku ingin menghempaskan hatiku ini yang dulu kasih padamu
pada batu itu....
lalu berkecailah hatiku itu…..

Justeru itu, suamiku
tiada lagi hatiku padamu
dan aku, wanita yang hanya menurut kata-kata hatiku
ingin buat kali terakhir menurut kata hatiku
aku ingin berlalu
aku ingin pergi jauh darimu....


AYu

Thinking and still thinking......

I always think that I am doing good things, helping others, trying my best to be a good friend and trying my best to please the nice-good-people around me. I have this thinking that you have nothing to lose if you’re doing good things. However, recently I’ve received feedback telling me that, what I called as a good deed is not a good deed and even worst causing that person a feeling of disappointment….hmmm….as per the Malay saying “rambut sama hitam, hati lain-lain”……

So now I knew that what I think of good things that I’ve done for others is not necessarily good and can be misunderstood. I felt kind of frustrated but I have to admit that it is my fault too.

Rule number 1
You only help those who need your help

Rule number 2
Don’t be busybody and try to help

Rule number 3
Learn from mistake

Okay, I have learnt…..

I thought….well, okay. I am fine and in good condition, after all that had happened….but actually I am not. I am just a normal human being, who felt hurt and still felt hurt until today. I knew in order to do good things is not easy. In order to do welfare jobs is not easy. In order to work, to spend your time on the things that you are still not sure of the results, is not easy. In order to believe what you are doing shall benefit others at the end, is not easy.

All these, got me thinking, am I in the correct position? Am I in the place that I belong to? Am I needed? Should I stay or should I leave?

I thought all this while, I knew why I’m here….I knew why I stick around….I knew that I have good plan, for everyone involved….but why do I still feel bad about myself…why do I still feel that my helps, my skills, is not relevant…..am my thinking is too childish?? Or is this a temporary feeling that will go away as time flies???

I have chosen...give me strength to be strong, to believe that I am in the correct path...to believe that the time that I've spent and still spending here is not a waste...the work that I've done and still doing is not a waste....because I can't wake up in the morning with the plan that I shall be spending another 9 hours getting nothing but just wasting my time, my life....I can't deal with this....I just can't...Am I weird???

Life is short and I need more than just money....

AYu