Today is a life-changing-experience day for me, for Adibah. We went to St Nicholas Home for a play day. The play day was held twice a month. During Miss Thelma’s last visit to our home, she had insisted that we join the play day. So, today, we were there. I was a little bit hesitating of the needs of this trip, however, looking at the sincerity shown by Miss Thelma, I just cannot resist. And I am so glad that I came. Nothing much is able to be done by Adibah during this play day as she was a little difficult for them to handle, and as for Adibah, knowing that it’s a new environment, she’s a little reserved and sleepy of course. At the end of the session, she was crying. Once I put her in the car, she was smiling back again. Hmmm…..she really knew her environment...the car is a normal environment and the play day session is a weird environment. She just knew it....
Earlier, on Sunday, Adibah is having her usual occupational therapy session. And I was again asking for the phone number of the shoe maker. I was asking because, Miss Thelma suggested that we made a shoes for Adibah. This is not the first time, I received such suggestion. However, I don’t know why, I just did not go to the shoe shop. I just don’t. And in addition to this, I was informed that the shop was at Butterworth. This untrue-fact, had caused me stop thinking of making shoes for her because I just don’t know much about Butterworth, so how am I going to find a small shoe shop...this is all excuses for not making Adibah a shoes....
And on Sunday, once I received the phone number together with the address....I just hahhhh....the shop is located at Seberang Jaya….so, there is no reason for not going there. After St Nicholas, we dropped by at the shoe shop. And this is where I had learned a so important knowledge on how to get Adibah on her feet. It is not a normal shoe shop visit....
The shoe shop is very small. We missed it. The owner of the shop asked “Kereta kaler apa? Saya tunggu kat luar...” Luckily, he really wait outside, it is just a small shop that was hidden by a few bigger shops. If he did not wait outside the shop, I certainly will miss it again and again.
Once we arrived, I saw the owner, something is wrong with his leg. From one glance, you could have noticed that something is wrong. He then, checked on Adibah’s leg....
”Hmmmm....ni tak buat exercise nih..., “ he commented.
I came in defense....”Buat jugak…..”
He replied, “ Jugak jer tak boleh...mesti buat tiap-tiap hari, tak boleh miss....exercise ja yang boleh tolong dia....saya tau, pasai saya dulu pun, tak leh jalan, setahun saya tak leh jalan, pi urut merata kat Utara ni tapi tak boleh jugak...exercise ja yang boleh tolong saya sampai saya boleh jalan la ni...”
He then teached me a method on how to exercise with Adibah. I’ve learnt the method before but I don’t know the importance of it and why I must consistently doing it. The shoe shop owner, explained it all to me...It is very true, that those who explained with experience will be giving a much greater impact compared to those who explained with just theories...He said to me that I should have come earlier. If I had performed the exercise with Adibah earlier and had her shoes made earlier, she could have walk already...Hahh....I felt so guilty to Adibah. It is my fault that she had not walk till today. It is all my fault...
Hence today, I can’t escape the feeling of guilty, melancholy...Felt like I am the saboteur of the life of my own daughter... And the fact that I have been such a lousy, bad mother. I am so positive at everything else but when it came to Adibah, I am negative? Why? Why can’t I perform well, excellent as her mother. Why I chose not to have high hope on her and instead of giving her my very best, I chose to just go with the flow. Why did I choose to give up on her?
Arghhhhh....I am so angry and ashamed with myself. Whether I like it not, I have to accept that I have done an unacceptable injustice to my own daughter. I am the one to be blame....
Therefore, I have to be responsible for what that I have done. Luckily Adibah did not know how to complaint. Or else she might issue me a lawsuit :(
Adibah....
I am so sorry…..Please accept my apology for not being a good mother, for not trusting you, for not having high faith in you, for giving up on you. I said I love you but my actions did not synchronize with my words. For that, for all, for this mihsbehave....I am so sorry and I will try my very best to make it up with you...
And to the shoe shop owner.....thank you very much for enlighten me of my duty and responsibility....
