Adibah, my darling....

I am so glad this week as Adibah already fully recovered from her sickness. Often when she is sick, I am sick too. I am always over worried on her. I am worried that she''ll be sick and we have to stay at the hospital and she'll be gone, leaving me forever. May be it sounded like paranoid but I can still hear a pediatrician said that may be she won't live long. I can still hear the words. So, when she is sick I always blame myself for not being able to avoid her from being sick....I always do.....

Yes, she's a special child and even if she's gone, I have nothing to loose, isn'it? It will be better as I do not have to take care of her, do not have to go through all the hassle of raising her....

But still I couldn't imagine being without her. A day without kissing her, already a pain in the heart. What if not seeing her forever?? Even though she is like that, she is not normal, she is deaf blind, she can't walk and you have to carry her around, she cried out loud until you touch her, she always bite your finges, she won't eat the medicine, she make noises in public and everyone will look at you with that "sympathy look"....but still, I love her....I guessed, all mothers will have the same feelings when it comes to their children. If given option, all mothers will not want to loose their children.

But still it is not ours to decide. I do hope that when the day comes, Allah saw will give me strength to accept it, to deal with it. For He has given me and my family, all the strength to have Adibah, He has given all the happiness, even though we have Adibah. Or if I'll be leaving the world for eternity, I do not have to worry about Adibah as Allah saw will surely decide and determine what is best for her and for me.

But Adibah is a zero-sin person and she will go straight to heaven. Hmmmm I should worried about myself, will I be even close to the paradise...ooh ooowww.....

AYu